tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25070771108786388642024-03-12T21:40:05.662-07:00Judy's RamblingsJudy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.comBlogger127125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-88134447585268192632016-11-30T17:54:00.000-08:002016-11-30T17:54:35.283-08:00Regulating Those Pesky Emotions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I was in discussion yesterday with some people in my life about emotions and depression, life-choices and medications. Not surprisingly, we all had different opinions. The one thing we all agreed upon was the goal of a personal sense of peace. <br />
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Notice I didn't say happiness.<br />
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A few years ago my dear therapist told me that he didn't believe in purporting the idea of happiness to his clients. He didn't really believe in it himself. Yes, he believed that life can hold many moments of joy, but his goal was for his clients to learn to feel peace.</div>
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My last blog posting (months ago, so sorry) was about clutter and finding which objects in my life created a sense of joy. I started with my clothing and, to be honest, it's as far as I have gotten with this project. (Next will be my books. Yeah. It's gonna be a challenge.)</div>
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I was disturbed to discover that while I was able to acknowledge which clothing items I really liked or disliked, I can't honestly say that any of them actually incited feelings of joy when I held them, which is to be the deciding factor in what is kept and what is let go.</div>
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Now, months later, my <u>closet</u> brings me joy. No longer is it cluttered with too many clothes or boxes of decorations or other things I didn't know where to put so I put them in there. It's a gorgeous space and I am happy to say that it has remained this way since I finished it. In fact, my closet makes me so happy that I am loathe to add anything to it that just doesn't "fit" my lifestyle. I don't even want to keep my vacuum in there any longer. (It's currently living under my bed, but I don't like that either.)</div>
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So. Back to the conversation of peace, joy and happiness. </div>
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I am currently listening to the audiobook of <u>Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus</u>. I know, I know, this book was all the rage decades ago but for personal reasons, I decided to give it a try. (Another try, I might clarify, as I had picked up the book years ago, became impatient, and got rid of it.) </div>
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Something the author talks about is the emotional "well" that women have. Supposedly, we women go down into the well cyclically and aren't really able to bounce back out until we have hit the bottom. </div>
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<a href="https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/marvelcinematicuniverse/images/9/9e/The_Well.png/revision/latest?cb=20141119044307" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/marvelcinematicuniverse/images/9/9e/The_Well.png/revision/latest?cb=20141119044307" width="320" /></a>My emotions got pretty wound up today, as I had a couple of conversations with some folks that brought up feelings of fear and pain. Quite a few important issues I am currently facing are in the hands of other people and being able to trust in the "bigger picture" spiritually is a moment-by-moment quest for me.</div>
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So after speaking my thoughts (in quite an emotional manner, I must admit) to a person who was unable to hear me in a compassionate manner today, and sitting in quiet and tense sadness as I navigated my way to solitude, I found myself with a few hours to kill before my next commitment. <br />
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I decided against reaching out to my support system folks, which is blessedly large and wonderful group, I am happy to report. Instead I knew that I needed to heed the call of quiet "me" time. <br />
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I stopped into a new shop in town. I've been curious about it for a little while and wanted to see what they were selling. They were a bit high priced for me at the moment in my gift-shopping for the Holidays zone, but they also doubled as a spa. I decided to get my eye-brows done.<br />
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My eye-brows are a monthly commitment. I am truly a hairy beast if I don't take care of them and, not to seem vain, my self-esteem struggles when my eyebrows are a mess. <br />
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As soon as I laid down on the clean spa bed, I felt a sense of calm. Although getting hot wax put on my face and having it ripped off isn't the most pleasant of feelings, having someone "care" for me, however impersonal, makes me feel good. And she did a nice job. I walked out of there with my spirits lifted a bit. <br />
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Next I drove down the little Main street of my town to see what else might be open and perusable. I found another new shop, as recommended by the esthetician who had just made me presentable, and had a good look around there as well. More cute stuff a little beyond my "lots of gifts to buy for the holidays" price range but I was glad to go in and meet the staff and connect with my town.<br />
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A few doors down, one of my favorite eclectic shops was open. Great clothes, fun art, and a little splash of one of my favorite scents brought me to my sparkly self again. I walked out of there without spending any money, but got a couple ideas of things that might be good for some of my soul sisters. I let my feet take me around the block as I looked into the windows of more shops. Some were open, but most were closed at this time of evening. It didn't matter. <br />
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In my personal bible of self-fulfilling happiness, <u>Simple Abundance</u>, author Breathnach suggests just going into stores and acknowledging what calls out to you. No need to buy. No need to feel a sense of lack from not purchasing. Just seeing what one likes can be food for the spirit. For me, it did the trick. <br />
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What I know is that this world is full of options. Most importantly is the option to allow oneself to FEEL what one needs to feel at that moment. Once we acknowledge ourselves without judgment, or as little as possible, we are then faced with the choice of what to do next. <br />
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I knew I was in a state of overwhelm earlier in the day. Not a huge deal, but I was diving down into my "well". What I knew for ME was that I needed space to be in my own head and to make my own decisions for a little bit. Good call. I got my mojo back and nobody got hurt. LOL. <br />
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Thanks for listening. <br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-87327717431325072302016-07-22T11:18:00.000-07:002016-07-22T11:18:51.499-07:00Joyful (or not) Clothing Choices<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I could have sworn that I had already blogged about the book, <u>The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up</u>, by Marie Kondo. You know, it's that book that took the best-seller list by storm last year? The whole idea of taking a few months and physically touching each and every one of our possessions to see if they "spark joy"? But as I searched and scrolled through my past posts, I saw nothing. I guess I've just been writing it in my head. Ha ha. <br />
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About a year ago, Rev Guy mentioned this book in a Sunday talk. He said that when his girlfriend is out of town, he gets messy; lives like his house is a garage sale waiting to happen. He then talked about Kondo's book and how it was an interesting read. (As usual, when he mentions a book, I pay attention. He has also turned me onto movies and shows. I like to know what he's talking about so I often read/watch his recommendations so that I can be on the "same page" with him more often.)<br />
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Clutter and organization is an obsession for me. I am a clutter-bug and I often fantasize about being organized. Living in a space with things piling up and undone tasks causes me stress and anxiety.<br />
Sometimes there's a lot of stuff . . . and a lot of anxiety going on in my life.<br />
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So I read the book. I listened to it on audio. I am currently reading her second book, <u>Spark Joy</u>, an illustrated master class on the art of organizing and tidying up. What I wasn't doing was the hands-on work. <br />
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Kondo's basic premise is that learning to recognize what "sparks joy" in our lives helps us to live deeper and more meaningful lives. It is no secret that most of us are out of touch with our intuition. Our society values common-sense over feelings, especially ones that don't seem logic-based. <br />
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The problem is that when we're out of balance, we aren't able to find the joy. And who doesn't want more joy???<br />
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So during the last school year, I told myself that I would start the process of touching and deciding what to keep and what to let go during the summer break. And then all of this summer break, I've been thinking, "I really need to start that process!" (I go back to work very shortly.)<br />
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A few weeks ago, I had some friends coming over for dinner. They hadn't been here yet and I wanted to show them my living space. <br />
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I love my living space. But there's a lot of stuff in here. Too much. And there were some boxes and baskets of clothing that I hadn't put away in a LONG time. My excuse? I needed to go through them and find space for them. <br />
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So on the day of the visit, I put in a few hours, went through all of those piled items of clothing, gratefully put a lot in a bag to donate, and tucked the rest into the closet. I knew this was cheating. Kondo's system says that we need to take ALL of our clothes and dump them in a big pile. In this manner we can "see what we've done", not necessarily as a way to punish ourselves for having too much, but to really see what we have. Put all the items in one space, pick them up one by one, decide how they make us feel, and then keep only what sparks the joy. Intimidating to say the least.<br />
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About 10 minutes after stuffing all the clothing into my closet and feeling good about my living space, I heard a crash from inside the closet. One of the overburdened shelves that had a hanging rod attached to it had pulled out of the wall, causing a domino effect and now there was a huge mess on the floor. Sometimes the universe is NOT subtle. I really needed to face my clothing. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The leaning and partially detached shelf and clothing bracket.</td></tr>
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I have a lot of clothing. I don't spend much on new things, but am the queen of hand-me-downs and freebies. I like that I don't have to do laundry all the time. I love having a lot of different outfits and options.<br />
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I am a changeling and there many sides to my personality. Sometimes I like dress conservatively, and sometimes I like to be wild. Sometimes I am doing "mom" stuff or "work stuff" and sometimes I'm going to be on stage or the dance floor. <br />
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But I am an avoider. Sometimes it takes me hours and hours to do a task that could be done in 1/4 of the time, because I get bored, distracted or just don't want to deal with stuff for awhile. I need a real reason/motivation to get stuff done. Having a party in the barn for my birthday caused me to finally finish getting all my stuff up from the barn floor, organized and labeled into bins and up into the loft. I was VERY careful to not just put stuff up there to be gone through later. Seriously. I am proud of the work I did. The bins are numerically labeled and I have a master list so I know where which of my items are. I can do a good job, once I get started, I promise.<br />
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So back to the closet mess. I bought new brackets. My sweet roommate re-installed them, without talking too much smack, and now I am off to the races. <br />
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Today I started with my coats and jackets. The ones I love without a doubt are now going back in my closet. The ones I'm not so sure of are in a separate pile. And the ones I am finished with are in a bag to be donated. (Kondo suggests that we say "Thank you" to the items that no longer serve us. I have been doing this for a few months. It somehow feels better to get rid of stuff with gratitude than with stress and guilt for having had the items in the first place.)<br />
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So I started putting away the jackets and wanted to get side-tracked by the scarves. Then I wanted to go through my old prom dresses. (Seriously. I still have them all, even though I graduated in 1989!) But I resisted. <br />
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Instead, I sat down to blog about this process. I find that holding myself accountable with witnesses is a huge motivator for me, like when I blogged the 40 days of personal Lent last year. Knowing that family and friends may read this, chuckle a little, shake a head or two or just empathize with my plight gives me the power to push on through. Plus it was a good way to avoid the task at hand.<br />
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Thanks for listening. Stay tuned . . . I'm far from finished. </div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-53010371373062812312016-05-19T13:40:00.000-07:002016-05-23T13:30:38.796-07:00About Writing a Blog . . . For the Students in Mr. Nielsen's Class . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A blog is an online way for a person to share their thoughts on anything that they want to talk about. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">A person who blogs is called . . . a blogger!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">When you are finished with your assignment for Mr. Nielsen, you will be a blogger, too!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I started blogging 6 years ago. I wanted to share my thoughts and opinions on books I read, movies I saw and experiences I had. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">After awhile, people started following me. I post links to my blog on Facebook and it is fun to read people's reactions to the things I write about. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I really like to blog because writing is different from speaking. When I blog, I take the time to read and re-read my words. I have the ability to change anything I'd like. When I am speaking and make a mistake or want to change something, it's more difficult because because someone else has already heard my words. Blogging gives me more space to say what I really want to say.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have been assigned the 20% Project. Mr. Nielsen wants you to pick a topic you are interested in researching and writing about. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When you are finished, you will post your information online on your very own blog!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Do you want to pick "how to do something" </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>or</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i> "learn about something new"? </i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u>The choice is yours!</u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Today I am going to show you an example of a blog that shows the reader how to do something. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am going to show you how to start your very own blog!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ready?? Go!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Once you log onto a computer, go to www.blogger.com. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It will ask you to sign into Google. You will use your student account which is your id # followed by @fallbrookhs.org. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Next it will ask you to pick a profile. Pick: Blogger Profile.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Next, pick your display name. Pick something with your name in it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When you get the option, pick and click the "New Blog" button and then pick a Title for your blog. Mine is "Judy's Ramblings". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You are also given the choice for a template. A template is a website that is already formatted with a certain layout. I suggest you start with the one titled "Simple". It will also ask you to create a web address so that your blog can be found online. Just start typing in the address bar under the title and it will give suggestions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Pick one that you like. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Remember it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Write it down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Click on "Create blog!" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Next it might suggest that you find a domain name for your blog. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Click "no thanks". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now you're ready to create a "New Post"! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is like chapter one of your own Blog.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Click on "New Post" and start typing!!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You can title this post whatever you'd like to. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The name of this posting by me is called is "About Writing a Blog . . . For the Students in Mr. Nielsen's Class".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you do research on your topic, you can add pictures to make your blog more interesting. To do this, you save the picture to your computer and then upload it. We will show you how to do this! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here is a picture I uploaded:</span></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MqHspcAL-o4/Vz4iJrqiLXI/AAAAAAAAAt4/e8RfLR11pHcXeJkpvLTApAPPNkjC9qKFACLcB/s1600/dad%2Bjohn%2Bpic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MqHspcAL-o4/Vz4iJrqiLXI/AAAAAAAAAt4/e8RfLR11pHcXeJkpvLTApAPPNkjC9qKFACLcB/s320/dad%2Bjohn%2Bpic.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is my dad. He took a trip last month to a museum of a musician he likes. He sent me this picture. I saved it to my computer and uploaded it and now anyone who reads my blog can see it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You can also add website links so that your readers can click and find out more online about your topic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here is what it looks like to have a link on your blog page:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.fallbrookhs.org/">http://www.fallbrookhs.org/</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(I picked the Fallbrook High School website as an example.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The cool thing about blogging is that you can work on stuff and wait to publish it online when you're ready. You can change and edit your post until it shows exactly what you want it to show. The blog will automatically save, but you also have the option to click on the "save" button for quicker saving of your work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You can also click "Preview", which shows you what it will look like if you posted it exactly how it is right now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It won't show up online to anyone else until you click "Publish". If you publish and want to change something, you can go back in and make the changes and they'll show up online after you update it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's real important that you keep track of the research you do for this project. Write about it in your blog so that your teacher and classmates can learn about your process. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some students have created blogs and have added to them over the years! The sky is the limit! </span></div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-82139126456913393152016-02-29T10:51:00.003-08:002016-02-29T10:54:56.598-08:0070 x 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It is said that we don't really know what we're missing until we've gotten a glimpse of it. <br />
<br />
For me, it's been peace. I had no idea how "on edge" I've been for most of my life. <br />
<br />
Worry has been a constant since childhood and I didn't even know it.<br />
<br />
Now that mindfulness, the practice of being more aware of one's thoughts and feelings moment by moment, has become a more conscious experience for me, I am noticing when the peace has landed, like a lovely guest, on my doorstep. It's been coming around more and more these days.<br />
<br />
A little over a month ago I was in a frantic and emotional phone conversation with one of my favorite spiritual leaders. He interrupted my flow of complaint with a prayer suggestion. My feelings felt hurt as I didn't feel my angst and terror was being acknowledged satisfactorily, but I became quiet and asked him to repeat himself so I could write it down.<br />
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I am familiar with the "Fear to Faith" prayer work that is promoted quite often in the classes I've taken through my local Center for Spiritual Living. The idea is that when there is something heavy on our hearts or minds, we can follow the pathway of our beliefs until we find something incongruent with our vision of God. We then release the belief, through repetitive chanting/prayer, along with whichever action we may have been exhibiting in support of that negative belief. The work/prayer/chang is three-part, ending with gratitude for a trait that better represents a supportive one.<br />
<br />
Here is an example from my own life:<br />
<br />
"I release the belief that I am powerless. I release the need to be rescued. I am grateful that God is the strength that I am." <br />
<br />
(This is essentially the prayer that was suggested to me back when I was miserable and shaking and didn't really want to do my own work. I eventually substituted the word "strength" instead of repeating the word "power" as was the original suggestion.<br />
<br />
So, the 70 x 7 part comes in when one repeats the prayer 70 times for 7 days. The idea is that with focus and repetition we are able to dislodge old thinking patterns and open up to new and more supportive thoughts and behaviors.<br />
<br />
I gotta admit, when this concept was first "assigned" to me during a class quite a few years ago, I had a lot of resistance. I tried using prayer beads to keep track of how many times I'd said the prayer and sometimes did it walking just to make it more interesting and get rid of some excess nervous energy. Other times I'd sit in my old blue chair in the dining room and say it silently or quietly to myself.<br />
<br />
So backtrack to that day when I just wanted someone to fix my life for me and make the yucky go away and instead I was alone in my room, feeling terribly sorry for myself, and now I had committed to seven days of repetitive prayer. <br />
<br />
To help keep track of the amount of times I said the prayer, I gathered 70 items and put them in a large storage lid. Most of them were rocks and stones, with a few other natural items (a small twig, an acorn), plus a few man-made items such as some small, red plastic hearts and a cool wooden boar statue on a short string with a bell, a long-ago gift from my father who lives in Japan. <br />
<br />
I wrote the prayer on a 3x5 card and put it in the middle of the lid, picked up the first rock, and got started. I was very distracted and distressed. It took me over 30 minutes to get through the prayer. I did feel a little calmer at the end of it, though, although my feelings were still hurt for a variety of reasons, and I had some resentment and anger towards various people (and yeah, towards myself as well).<br />
<br />
Adding body movement is a good way to incorporate change into our consciousness, so moving the left hand out and open while saying the first part, moving the right hand out and open when saying the second part, and bringing one's hands up and to oneself during the third part is suggested. I did this with the rocks and stuff, one at a time. Sometimes I had my eyes closed, other times I had them open. Over time I became more aware of the texture of each item. I found I really enjoyed the feel of some over others.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PDlzgP1b3ik/VtSJ6luaggI/AAAAAAAAAsM/VjxdwjF2wts/s1600/70%2Bx%2B7%2Bpic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PDlzgP1b3ik/VtSJ6luaggI/AAAAAAAAAsM/VjxdwjF2wts/s640/70%2Bx%2B7%2Bpic.jpg" width="640" /></a><br />
<br />
I kept on with it for almost two weeks. Over time I swapped out some of the rocks for other beautiful stones that I have, of various sizes, colors, textures and shapes. <br />
<br />
I also symbolically released a few stones that were representing a relationship from my past that still had some unresolved issues between me and an old friend. (She had given me, a few years ago, a metal candle holder upon which she had glue-gunned various black stones. She had made quite a few of these as teacher gifts for her children and I was very pleased when she gave me one. Over the years, the stones had come off the metal plate but I had kept them. Since they often had glue on one side, it was easy to keep track.) (She and I had a falling out almost two years ago and now, although we never formally resolved anything, I have a peace that comes from time and space from the situation.) I took most of these glue-marked stones and threw them, with awareness, over the side of various parts of the property where I live. No need to be constantly reminded of unhappiness. (I still have a couple of those rocks left. Healing is still being done between us.)<br />
<br />
At the end of two weeks of the prayer, I was feeling a little more "in control" of my own destiny and the drama of my personal life had calmed a little. I decided to keep up the 70 x 7 prayer but change it up a little. (By this time, the prayer was taking me only about 12 minutes a day and I felt <u>GOOD</u> after doing the work.)<br />
<br />
Next prayer: "I release the belief that I am flawed. I release the need to be punished. I am grateful that God is the Healing that I am." This prayer felt powerful to me and cut right to the chase of some of my old issues. I had been holding on to a deep-seated belief that I deserved punishment and should expect it. It was and has been interesting to look into this on a more regular basis.<br />
<br />
One of the cool things about repetition is that the message or action starts coming "unbidden" to one's consciousness throughout the day, seeping into the edges and gracefully taking the place of old messages. Associating one of these prayers when my mind fills with worry or anxiety is a way to derail the panic and nervousness that life can sometimes bring, substituting it instead with a sense of "alrightness". <br />
<br />
I haven't used the prayer rocks in over a week but they are still in the lid, on the floor of my beautiful and peaceful room, reminding me that at any time, I can do some more work on myself.<br />
<br />
Acknowledge, release, acknowledge, release, acknowledge, keep.<br />
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Thanks for listening.<br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-57008085216912647172016-01-01T01:10:00.001-08:002016-01-01T01:10:26.638-08:00NY EVE 2015<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hey there.<br />
<br />
I've been writing in my head for a few days now.<br />
Let's see how it comes out on the screen.<br />
<br />
I started this post in the evening on 12/31/2015 when, for the first time in my entire life,<br />
I found myself voluntarily celebrating the incoming new year solo. <br />
<br />
Later, with only 46 minutes to go until midnight, . <br />
I continued learning how to be alone with myself. <br />
<br />
Having been in relationships for over half of of my life, this is a whole new experience.<br />
<br />
It's almost amusing how my brain and emotions ping-pong all over the place.<br />
Sometimes it's a little frightening.<br />
Without the distraction of others, I have only myself to listen and respond to. <br />
<br />
About 18 months ago, my therapist suggested I live with aloneness for awhile. <br />
Feel the fear<br />
Hear the loud, internal voices.<br />
Accept feeling grumpy or pissy with no one to blame.<br />
Make mistakes, listen to me chastise myself, have mercy and move on.<br />
Let joy come and stay for longer each time.<br />
Just be myself and take care of business.<br />
<br />
Today I claimed an "AT HOME" day because even though I had over two weeks off, I managed to drive somewhere every single day.<br />
<br />
Not today. <br />
<br />
My adventure in solitude started last night about 8 pm, when I found myself on my own with no social commitments, no phone calls to return; my own time on my hands.<br />
<br />
I ate and puttered and lived in my head a bunch. Loudly.<br />
<br />
I made a drink of Honey Jack and fresh lime juice (yum) and watched the first two episodes of Game of Thrones Season 2 after I found the DVD in my laptop. Oops.<br />
<br />
(I had returned the case to the Library a few days ago, so) I figured I might as well binge watch the two episodes on the disk and turn it in soon. Thrones isn't the best series I've watched, but it's stimulating and entertaining, if not uncomfortable at times. It contains some beautiful people and since I only read book one, I'm not tied to how they do the show from this point on.<br />
<br />
I met up with a friend at a local site and sang a Karoke song from my heart to strangers watching sports on tv. I safely and responsibly drove myself home.<br />
<br />
As a teen I often babysat on New Year's Eve. These experiences were my first introduction to people celebrating this evening as something special. My family didn't treat it as anything different. (The Rose Parade was what really counted in my childhood household., which reminds me that after I post this I need to checkout the link to see the FHS Marching Band as they perform in London tomorrow!)<br />
<br />
My evening took an unexpected turn when CJ the dog hurled her dinner onto the wool carpet in the living room, right after eating. <br />
<br />
She's a big dog and it was a big mess.<br />
<br />
When she had the audacity to get territorial over the large mound of yuck and showed signs of<br />
re-intaking the whole thing, I sent her outside while I grabbed cleaning supplies.<br />
<br />
I got a little side-tracked as I looked for baking soda. <br />
I knew if I kept looking a box just might appear. <br />
After revamping two cabinets, and writing "BUY BAKING SODA" on the postie/grocery list, I found 1/4 box behind the spices in cabinet number 3. <br />
Hallelujah. <br />
I poured some over the damp carpet, and let will vacuum it up tomorrow.<br />
Finger's crossed the carpet will look alright when it's all cleaned up.<br />
<br />
In other news, I have been playing a little game in my head. Whenever I get grumpy and want "someone else" to deal with what I don't want to, I ask myself what a fantasy counterpart would do in that particular situation for me to "make it all better". <br />
<br />
This line of thinking has had some positive results, I must admit.<br />
When in doubt of what to do next, I ask my inner girl what she would like done for her, then I often go ahead and do it for myself.<br />
<br />
The big-ass tv that was just gifted to me and was sliding around the back seat of my car needed to come into the garage so I used an old dog bed and some calm maneuvering and got it in, setting it in a good and safe space. I plan on sweet-talking some boys into bringing it upstairs and setting it up for me soon.<br />
<br />
Next I cleaned out my car. I had been feeling some anxiety over its state of dirty-yucky..<br />
<br />
I gained extra points with myself when I got the blockage out of the shop vac hose with a broken windshield wiper.<br />
<br />
I persistently and calmly worked through the blockage, and solved the problem,<br />
<br />
I walked away from the car cleaning project from time to time, but ended up touching every single item in the car before deciding what to return inside. I find I am better able to process and let go with gratitude since hearing the theories on decluttering from <u>The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up</u> by Marie Kondo.<br />
<br />
The car feels complete and I am grateful.<br />
<br />
I experienced pleasure from this experience and allowed myself to feel appreciative and reward myself with no guilt or unease.<br />
<br />
I even took a baby nap.<br />
<br />
Today also marks the 25th anniversary of what would have been Erik and my's marriage, were we still together. He is out with his girl tonight and I am blogging and puttering, sipping alternatively on water, coffee and may make myself another honey jack and lime. I ate and watched Hitchcock's "To Catch a Thief" and folded/put away laundry. I watched all of its special features.<br />
<br />
I am also living inside my head, and then focusing my thoughts outside of it. <br />
Back and forth.<br />
Back and forth.<br />
<br />
It's been on my mind to post a little shout-out to my ex.<br />
<br />
Eggy. Thank you for the past 27 years together, 25 as a wedded couple. I know that this evening is not what we would have said that we wanted if asked a few years ago, but I am feeling peaceful and grateful and hope that you are too.<br />
<br />
I will never regret the years of gatherings and friends, meals and adventures, and here's to many more in both of our lives. <br />
<br />
Thank you for introducing me to a whole lot of music that I probably wouldn't have heard otherwise.<br />
<br />
Thank you for being a caring and compassionate person.<br />
Thank you for being a lovingly kickass dad to our boy. <br />
I appreciate you.<br />
I wish you all the best.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's good to be back in the writing saddle. <br />
I hope to stay here awhile this time.<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening and Happy New Year!<br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-72752184820188666192015-11-17T10:53:00.000-08:002015-11-17T10:53:10.621-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, I just finished reading <u>Scary Close</u> by Donald Miller. The subtitle is "Dropping the act and finding true intimacy." It's taken me a few months and a lot of library renewals to finish the book, because I tend to be lazy about my non-fiction. My roommate and I agree that we use our fiction as a form of escapism. Reading non-fiction, especially books on bettering one-self, is like going to therapy. Sometimes when we're in therapy and we don't like what is being uncovered, discussed, and felt, we quit. It's even easier to close a book and walk away. I knew the time had come for me to buckle down and finish the darn thing when I went to renew the last time and was denied because someone else is waiting for it. So, I did what an upstanding citizen might do and finished it, knowing that the person who is to read it next is probably going to find it as amazing as I did. </div>
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From the beginning, my mind told me, "This is a book to own so that I can re-read it again and again." It's still pretty expensive online (and by expensive, I mean "full price". This frugal girl RARELY pays full price for a book, but I might break down and do so.)</div>
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I can't remember how I first heard of the book. It was online or in Time magazine or something. I started reading it at the beginning of summertime, so now that I think about it, it's really time that I turn it in. Sorry, fellow Library patrons! </div>
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"Somebody once told me that we will never feel loved until we drop the act, until we're willing to show our true selves to the people around us." </div>
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Easier said than done, Mr. Miller. Show my true self? What if I don't like my true self? How will anyone love what I don't like? It seems impossible.</div>
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In college I studied Human Communication. I learned about the roles we play in our family units. There is often a rebel, a nurturer, the comic, the worrier, etc. We often play these same roles in our personal relationships. Living our life outside the boundaries of these roles can be so uncomfortable, even if we don't like playing them anymore.</div>
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I am in therapy and have been for years, off and on. Finding my truth, my voice, and expressing myself outside of the boundary of my various roles is scary as hell. "They're not always going to like what they hear" is what I was told recently by my mentor. Sure enough, a few days later, I was told by my son that I had changed, and not for the better, in his opinion. Inside I thought, "because I'm standing my ground and didn't used to?" but kept silent, which further set him off. </div>
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I have been the peace-maker. The appeaser. The person who does her best to "say the right things" so that those around me feel better about themselves. Now, there is nothing wrong with this, unless the things I am saying are not holding to my inner truths. I also can't deny feeling resentful on the inside sometimes, because by not speaking my truth, it's not acknowledged, by myself or others. Becoming someone else, someone who speaks the truth, is terrifyingly scary for me. The thought of hurting another person is one I shy away from. I want to meld the best of all worlds. I want to still be a kind person who loves others and does what I can for them, and also be a strong person who knows her own thoughts and can express them, even if it sometimes causes waves. I want to learn to ride the waves, rather than paddle away from them in fright. Bottom line . . . I don't want to be rejected. I want to be loved and wanted and to feel like I matter for who I am, not just who I project myself to be for others.</div>
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"Can we really trust people to love us just as we are? Nobody steps on a stage and gets a standing ovation for being human. You have to sing or dance or something. I think that's the difference between being loved and making people clap, though. Love can't be earned, it can only be given. And it can only be exchanged by people who are completely true with each other." This is from the author's intro. He ends it with this: "Applause is a quick fix. And love is an acquired taste."</div>
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I know that this posting doesn't tell you much about this amazing book. Trust me. It's a keeper.</div>
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Thanks for listening.</div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-42471486099371021612015-10-12T08:53:00.004-07:002015-10-12T08:53:58.668-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>October 12, 2015's reading from:</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><img height="400" src="http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTGNIdDiDM10bDvrb18S-O_3XbpEV_ngHZ4wzsQmjGYSjtefSHq" style="line-height: 16.12px;" width="286" /></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Honesty Requires Courage</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>It takes a lot of courage to be honest in a relationship.</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i> </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i> On the one hand we need to be real and authentic </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>with another person, </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">and on the </span></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">other</span></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"> hand we're afraid that it may lead to </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">abandonment. </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>It's important to understand and respect</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i> that conflict within yourself. </i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"> </span><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">You can't</span><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"> expect yourself to go out and </span></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">start telling the absolute truth to everyone every </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">minute</span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">.</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i> That would be very frightening. </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">You just try to work your way in that direction, </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;">understanding </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">that</span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"> it is very scary for part of you, </span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span style="color: #222222; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><br /></span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>and at the same time that if you don't express your truth </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>you will sacrifice part of yourself in the relationship. </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 16.12px;"><i>Gradually, you will learn to start being more authentic.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>What part of me is afraid to be truthful and why? </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i> </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Can I understand and respect that part</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i> while learning to be more open?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Today's reading spoke to my heart. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Trust.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is an important subject to me</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">Having</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;"> trust in myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">Having </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">others trust me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">It's time for some contemplation and honesty in my conversations, starting with myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">This conversation is too private to have online, I'm afraid, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; line-height: 16.12px;">As I was searching for an image of the Meditation book I was quoting from, I found more from her that spoke to me. Perhaps they'll be good for you to read as well:</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every time you don't follow your inner </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">guidance, </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">you feel a loss of energy, </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">loss of power, </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">a sense </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>of spiritual dea</i><i style="line-height: 16.12px;">dness</i></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When I'm trusting and being myself as fully </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">as possible, </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">everything in my life</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> reflects this</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> by falling into place easily,</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> often miraculously.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<i style="line-height: 16.12px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our bodies </span></i></div>
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<i style="line-height: 16.12px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">communicate to us</span></i></div>
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<i style="line-height: 16.12px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> clearly and specifically,</span></i></div>
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<i style="line-height: 16.12px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> if we are willing to listen to them.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not in too much of a pontification mood today, but it's been awhile since I've blogged and I was past due.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thanks for listening. Thanks for holding space for me. You hold space in my heart as well.</span></div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-57974931138039713252015-07-23T21:45:00.002-07:002015-07-23T21:45:53.496-07:003 Months Later . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Probably once a day I think, <i>"That would be funny or interesting or . . . for my blog"</i> and that's about as far as it goes. Today, however, I let the impulse build and grabbed the laptop bag from the truck, unpacking it outside on the deck of the ranch. <br />
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One of the things I thought about blogging about a few days ago was when, as I looked up while working in the orchard, I took a deep breath of gratitude for the beauty I beheld, and slid-skid-fell down a short terrace level in the garden. I remember praying that I wouldn't hit my head or land on my back. The long scrape of my shin and ankle barely registered. I landed on my feet and decided I was done weeding for the day. It was about to rain, anyway. I don't know if this translates as a funny experience, but I've been laughing a little sardonically in my mind at how I should expect the unexpected, even in times of gratitude and thanksgiving. (<i>"Geez, God. It was a prayer of gratitude!"</i>) <br />
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What spurred me to finally start writing with an actual keyboard at my fingertips, instead of just in my mind, was that I thought it would be interesting to really start looking at myself as analytically as possible. I enjoy contemplating and truth-telling on virtual paper and sending it out into the world. <br />
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Just today it was pointed out that two things I had said were at odds with each other. All I could do was calmly agree but acknowledged the feelings that arise when I feel like I am being inconsistent or two-faced or just plain nuts. I know I didn't lie on purpose. But wait a minute. Wasn't it just me that let a friend know that I could use an evening of quiet and just 5 minutes after hanging up the phone had the thought that it would be fun to run over to the neighbor's to grab the dog and chat for a bit?<br />
That's me. Flip-flop, flip-flop. Once, when I brought up that I was a Gemini, my son told me not to "blame my problems" on my sign. Fair enough. I am doing my best to be a person of my word. I just wanna point out that sometimes I'm all over the place. And I'm genuinely in those places when I'm there . . . whether it makes sense to others or not. <br />
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I am alone in on this property. If I want to go for a run, I don't need to tell anyone. If my roomie, Sal, were home, I'd let her know, because in my world, I like to "check-in" with people. (Plus, if she were home and I were gone a long time, she'd know to come see if I'd been bitten by a snake or something.) Yup. I guess I equate "alone time" with the opportunity to make decisions, spontaneous or otherwise, without needing to communicate it with another person. I love the people in my life, my sense of community and family, and I also enjoy when it's just me. Is it possible to be both an introvert and an extrovert? Flip-flop, flip-flop.<br />
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Through the bushes ahead of me, I can see the silent and beautiful lights of the 15 South. We like to joke that our view of the freeway is beautiful and serene. Not a lot of folks can say that. I'd take a picture but it wouldn't do it justice. There's a gorgeous bridge that spans the hills of the Bonsall/Valley Center area and the freeway slopes down under it. Viewing it gives me great pleasure. <br />
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It's been three months to the day of my last posting. Three is one of my favorite numbers, so I smiled when I saw the date. I've missed babbling online. I'll try not to be such a stranger.<br />
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Thanks for listening. <br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-34316015307550643872015-04-23T09:19:00.000-07:002015-04-23T09:21:48.629-07:00just keep breathing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
when my heart is breaking, i keep breathing. <br />
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when i stop breathing, i remind myself to take another breath. <br />
<br />
i have asked for prayer and it was given. <br />
<br />
i was wanting some advice and the perfect person walked by my desk and had five minutes to talk to me.<br />
<br />
when i cried it was comfortable and safe.<br />
<br />
the voices in my head are all over the place, with a myriad of opinions about putting our beautiful and sparkling warrior of a son on meds today.<br />
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i have asked that we do bloodwork to check his vitamin and hormone levels. <br />
<br />
his diet needs more variety and healthy items. and he needs to take more of a part in preparing it.<br />
<br />
should he be avoiding gluten like his mama does?<br />
<br />
and God is in everything, including the meds, right? <br />
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<br />
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"W<i>e are all given the choice of reacting negatively to the demands made on us or choosing to live abundantly. attitude is all. If you do not endow your life and your work with meaning, no one will ever be able to do it for you." -april 4 simple abundance calendar</i><br />
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<i>Theophanies are visible manifestations of Spirit. We find them by looking for mystery in the mundane, seeing the Sacred in the ordinary. " -april 9</i><br />
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<i>"Try to glimpse everything you do, no matter how insignificant it may seem, as part of your authentic path to Wholeness and it shall become so." -april 10</i><br />
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<i>"Perfection leaves so little room for improvement; so little space for acceptance-or joy. On the path we have chosen, progress is the simple pleasure to be savored." -april 13</i><br />
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<i>"Spirituality, simplicity, and serenity seem to be a sacred trinity; three divine qualities of the contented soul" -april 16</i><br />
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<i>"Seeking order within means coming to grips with the craziness you've been too distracted to do anything about. When we establish order within, external order will become a visible reality in our daily round." -april 18</i><br />
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<i>"The search for authenticity is like living on a fault line; you never know when the earth is going to move beneath your feet." -april 22</i><br />
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Since coming back to work this week, I hadn't read through the daily calendar of wisdom penned by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I perused them, typed in the ones that spoke to me, altering them slightly, as the theme was on making one's home a haven and I felt the meaning could be widened to help my soul in this moment.<br />
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Some might feel I shouldn't be sharing my private life and the details concerning our son online. I get it. But since I am willing to speak to any of you face-to-face about what I have shared so far, I'm going to take a chance and invite my loves to breathe with me and feel peace with me and know that when help is asked for and then proffered, it should not be turned away without further examination. <br />
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<br />
i have asked for someone to give me a hug and they are on their way. <br />
<br />
i pulled some cards from the abundance pack and got flexibility, worthiness,<br />
patience, practice and receptivity.<br />
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and i keep breathing. and keep breathing. <br />
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thanks for listening. <br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-89335250784538912952015-04-21T09:35:00.000-07:002015-04-21T09:35:01.596-07:00Day of Silence Musings<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Last Friday was A Day of Silence, sponsored by GLSEN. <a href="http://www.glsen.org/">http://www.glsen.org/</a><br />
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According to the site, "Thousands of students across the country will participate in the Day of Silence, an annual international event that brings attention to the anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment that is common in schools." (LGBT=Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, for those of you not familiar with the term.) <br />
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Last year, the day before the event, a transgender student here at the high school brought in flyers and asked if we could post them in the Library. I said it was no problem and did a little research on the subject. After reading up on it, I decided to participate as well.<br />
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I started the challenging silent day with a note to myself, reminding me to not talk. It's interesting how we communicate when we aren't using our voices, especially when it comes to waking teenagers for school. I spent the day at school, with slips of paper explaining why I wasn't talking. I went out of my way to track down a teacher who had given me a strange look when I didn't respond appropriately to her greeting. I didn't want her to think I was stranger than she already did. <br />
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I blogged throughout the day but I don't think I ever posted it, for some reason. What I remember the most was the feeling of disconnection I felt with those around me. It started seeping into me a few hours into my workday and it just felt so damn lonely. Perhaps that's the point of this day, to give folks an insider's point of view in the lives of people who feel silenced, unable to be their true selves.<br />
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How many of us, however, live our lives feeling like we can't really share our true thoughts, feelings and parts of our personality for fear of rejection or judgement? <br />
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On Good Friday of this year, one of our students took their own life via hanging. Taylor (born Joshua), had been at this school since early Fall and I had watched her move from a solitary figure into one who was a part of a nice group of friends. I talked her into trying a few library books, even though she was a very reluctant reader. I felt she was very brave to be an openly transgender student on campus. I knew it couldn't be easy.<br />
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When I heard that she had killed herself, my heart broke for her, her family, her friends, and the amazing staff here on campus that had supported her. I became more distressed as I read posts on the local newspaper site and heard stories about the school being bashed by the local Gay/Lesbian/Transgender support groups. Because of confidentiality, the staff here has not been able to share any information. For those of you with any doubts, however, take my word when I say that the reasons Taylor decided to leave this life were not solely due to bullying here on campus. She was very protected here.<br />
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As I read the headlines around the world regarding another "suicide because of bullying", and compare them with experiences I've had with my own son at school, I am constantly reminded that the stories are always much bigger than the news reports and much less cut and dry than the paperwork would infer.<br />
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Despite my best intentions, I did not hold the Day of Silence this year, although I put up information in the Library and helped our ASB teacher gather information to support the students who held a silent lunch out in the main common area known as "The Bowl". I just didn't feel that I had the tenacity to stick with it and wasn't up to feeling that pervading loneliness that I remember from last year. <br />
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We all deserve to be supported in our quest for a fulfilling life. We are all here for a reason and if we don't know what that is, we can start by seeing how we can help another, and then getting in touch with something that stirs our inner passions. <br />
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RIP, Taylor Alesana. I'm blessed to have known you and am sorry to say goodbye.<br />
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Thanks for listening.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://fbexternal-a.akamaihd.net/safe_image.php?d=AQDoLE1mTTPZy5uB&w=470&h=246&url=https%3A%2F%2Fscontent-lax.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-xtf1%2Fv%2Ft1.0-9%2F10464183_10153025434018855_9002576447805168302_n.jpg%3Foh%3D39edcc1fe3d9b3070b797391eb382128%26oe%3D55A57A1C&cfs=1&upscale=1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There's quite a few pics of Taylor on the internet, but this is my favorite.</td></tr>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-18028052654557834282015-04-12T23:01:00.003-07:002015-04-12T23:01:40.175-07:00Feeling Grateful and Inspired<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Although it's only 10:20 p.m., I'm beat. I am resisting my delicious bed for a few, however, just to check in and let people, especially the ones I've talked to this weekend in person or on the phone, how much I feel loved, supported and honored in my life. I feel connected to so many amazing people. We are all on different paths and I am blessed that yours have crossed mine in this lifetime. Even it it's a quick hug and a "how you doing?", it feeds my soul.<br />
<br />
After a relatively mellow but productive week at the library, I had band practice with "Wildfire", a group of mostly locals who are working on a fun dance set. Those four hours flew by. I wasn't quite ready to go home when everyone else split, so I did a "first". I went to the Pub and watched the band by myself. I didn't need a beverage, in fact, wanted to stay alert and get home before I got too tired. I sat a bit out of the way, and my ego wasn't even hurt when no-one approached me. :)<br />
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Saturday, I got to do arts-and-crafts in the Library with some young students whose parents are taking English Language classes in the morning on the high school campus. I am part of the "free childcare", though I am getting paid and have a partner in crime. Neither of us consider ourselves very "crafty" but since we both hunger for efficiency and a low-drama environment, we're a pretty good team and I do have to admit that working out that creative muscle is a positive side benefit.<br />
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After the kiddies, I went to a friend's house to work on a song we're performing this Friday for an ordination. I feel pretty special having my own piano accompanist. Wednesday we'll dial it in as a group and my girls will harmonize with me. Few things make me feel as good as I do when our voices intertwine and support each other. After that I had a coffee with a friend and enjoyed delightful conversation and laughter. It felt good. Frankie and the Invisibles were playing at the local golf resort that evening. I know them all personally and a fun group of us were there in support and to have a good time. Mission accomplished.<br />
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I went a bit early to church today, as my friend Paul was playing an original piece for the 8:30 a.m. service. It was a lovely song. Then I got to be on stage with (almost) the whole group. It really feels like home when I'm in that place with those people. <br />
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After services I had lunch with another friend and enjoyed being mentored and doing a friendship catch-up, I was inspired to consider the next steps in my endeavor to offer Organizing and Personal Assisting services to the local clientele. I just finished my first Craig's List Ad, sent it off to be analyzed, and will work on flyers soon. My areas of interest are with personal and professional spaces, helping the client move through piles, ideas, drawers, systems to "dial it in" and make it work for them. My secret obsession is in kitchens, professional as well as private. I think it would be awesome to work in a restaurant for a short-time and get paid to suggest streamline ideas, focusing on interpersonal and hospitality satisfaction. <br />
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I walked around the Spring Art Show in downtown Fallbrook's Art Center, and enjoyed time in front of each piece. It was quiet and I was in no rush. Some of the colors simply overwhelmed me, they were so gorgeous. There was one piece, of amazing birds on a great background that I went back to admire several times. I fantasized about how it would look over my fantasy fireplace in my fantasy house. <br />
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I guess I was inspired because as I chatted with my mom later on the phone, I pulled out a collage I had made a few years ago and used a bingo marker to paint red circles around the pictures, erasing the empty spaces and adding a more yummy and finished feel. After it dried I put it on my wall. The theme of this Vision Board is self-love and acceptance; continuing on this healthier relationship with myself and others. Sometimes I feel wise and sometimes I need reminders. These boards bring the unseen into the seen, I believe, and I really love working on them, for myself as well as for others. Perhaps I could somehow invorporate the Vision Boards into my summer work with clients. What better way to visualize what is wanted than ripping and tearing. Creative mess is so invigorating.<br />
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Then I watched Sherlock Holmes (the Robert Downey Jr. version, part 1) with my roomie, pausing it to walk/sprint before the sun went down and the woods became a creepy backdrop for my childish and fearful imagination. Then we finished the movie, along with more great conversation.<br />
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h_TZwq9y70Y/VStY8A1nRVI/AAAAAAAAAqI/nulnd6G290Q/s1600/sacred%2Bme%2Bcollage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h_TZwq9y70Y/VStY8A1nRVI/AAAAAAAAAqI/nulnd6G290Q/s1600/sacred%2Bme%2Bcollage.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here's part of the collage that I bingo-markered the heck out of. </td></tr>
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Ready for bed now. Feeling happy and tired.<br />
Thanks for listening. <br />
<br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-78263033642719103932015-04-09T23:35:00.003-07:002015-04-09T23:35:59.497-07:00APA=Always Pleasant Amenity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Buddha Japan" height="240" src="http://www.viahouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Buddha-Japan.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although I didn't take this photo, we visited here and climbed into the statue. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I'm back and ready to check back in on my blog. It was a whirlwind of a trip--10 days in Japan, (8 really, with 2 days travel), plus 2 days of catching back up to PST. The first night back I went to bed around 11 p.m., after traveling for 20 hours and being awake about 35. I slept until 3:45 the next afternoon. The next night I didn't go to sleep until after 2 a.m., woke to the alarm at 9:30, twelve hours later, I was wired. It was 9:11 p.m. and my first alarm would wake me for work at 4:45 a.m. Good thing it was a light day scheduled for the Library. <br />
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I originally wrote that first paragraph a few days ago, but after getting frustrated with not being able to upload pics shot on my phone, then sent by an app to email, and then having little luck getting those photos to download so I could share them here, I gave up. Time has passed, but tonight when I attempted the photo thing, I ran around in circles again. I'll post some more . . . sometime . . . somehow. :)<br />
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Japan was amazing, as I knew it would be. Some things have changed in the 20 years since we visited last, like the amount of dogs on the street in parks, quite often in sweaters and some with accessories on their heads like barettes, etc. There were many more non-Japanese people out and about (way more). But some things haven't changed, foremost the Japanese attention to detail and courtesy.<br />
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Businesses in Japan really focus on customer service and the appeal of the packaging. It was rare that we didn't feel comfortable, unless we think back on some of the crowded subway or busses. Personal space becomes a luxury. My dad was also very focused on us having a great tourist experience. We ate (a lot!) and saw the sights (many!) and the whole time he was our very gracious host. This trip wouldn't have been possible without him and my step-mom, Miwako. We will forever be indebted. (They were quite the troopers, having visited Italy themselves right before our arrival!) <br />
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We stayed in a couple of hotels on our journey to Kyoto and Hiroshima, and one of them was the APA. It's a chain. I didn't know what the letters stood for until one evening when I was compulsively reading the wrapping on the toilet paper roll. There I found out that APA stood for Always Pleasant Amenity. To me, that summed up Japan. Doing their best to be honorable to their guests and offer pleasant amenities.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d7WWA4o2at8/VSSr3sPoYNI/AAAAAAAAApg/-BdRVM_JOLQ/s1600/apa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-d7WWA4o2at8/VSSr3sPoYNI/AAAAAAAAApg/-BdRVM_JOLQ/s1600/apa.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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The room was cozy tiny and, my dad said, not as fancy as the price would suggest, but I found it fantastic. There were all sorts of freebies in the bathroom, including hair bands and brushes. I think the price reflected the fact that it happened to be Cherry Blossom week and Kyoto, the former capital of Japan, was full of folks who had come for the viewing. Cherry Blossom week is a huge deal and now that I've experienced it, I can understand why. The trees are gorgeous with white or pink blossoms, which show themselves at their best for only a few days, before they fall off like raindrops. It is customary in Japan for families and friends to meet under the blossoming trees and eat and drink and be merry. We saw a lot of examples of this. Cute to see men in business suits spreading out blue tarps and waiting for their guests. </div>
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Since I can't currently post one of my MANY cherry blossom shots. I will borrow from google images, just so that you can enjoy the beauty. </div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ycOIsTALSKQ/VSduh7NarAI/AAAAAAAAAp0/PWt1BEBTvgA/s1600/japanese-cherry-blossom-tree-japan-japan%2B1152_12958127313-tpfil02aw-11199.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ycOIsTALSKQ/VSduh7NarAI/AAAAAAAAAp0/PWt1BEBTvgA/s1600/japanese-cherry-blossom-tree-japan-japan%2B1152_12958127313-tpfil02aw-11199.jpg" height="262" width="320" /></a></div>
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We visited temples and shrines, had coffee in a surfer coffeehouse, rode the bullet train (twice) and had fun with the amusingly translated English. ("Dog Whiz" was a four-story dog supply store, with the name in huge yellow letters. There was also a "Womb" store. I think it sold fancy clothing.)</div>
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We ate Mochi (a Japanese sweet) until we felt ourselves turning into rice, although Erik never got sick of it. Jakob obsessed over his favorite dish, cold Soba noodles. He could eat them a few times a day if given the chance. I gave him my portion on the plane ride home. I was ready for some chicken with sauce. He just wanted more buckwheat noodles in sauce. </div>
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The 10-hour flights should have been for sleeping, but with so many movies to choose from, I admit I did barely more than doze. (I need to rent and re-watch "Men, Women and Children". A very trippy movie about family life in these days of virtual connections. The airline staff collected the earphones ten minutes before the movie was over. I was bummed. I watched "Wild", by Sheryl Strayed, and found it very good. I had loved the book. I also watched "Girl Gone". Yikes. "If I Stay" got some tears out of me. Oh, and I watched a Johnny Depp documentary. Couldn't resist. Yum.</div>
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I missed blogging, missed the connection I feel when I'm sharing my thoughts and the feedback I get from my community. I'll post more soon. I promise. </div>
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Thanks for listening. Missed you.</div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-40012970335033053742015-03-25T09:42:00.002-07:002015-03-25T09:42:30.656-07:00Lent Days 34-35: Feeling Supported<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"I'm so glad you moved in here." Sally told me this morning. Wow. Those words filled me with happiness and gratitude. My doubtful self had been wondering if she might want to get someone else in here, someone who could pay more rent. "We're a great fit." she continued. "The only thing better was if you had a penis and moved upstairs with me." I told her I'd work on that. What a great way to start my day as I walked out the door to work, with a chuckle and a smile.<br />
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I've been told that I have an amazing support community. It's true. If you're reading this post, you're very likely a part of that group for me. Family, friends, work peeps, church peeps, I am blessed with a whole bunch of people whom I love and love me back. (There are a few people out there that I love and who are currently NOT loving me back, but that's ok. Love and Light to them.)</div>
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I think part of the blessing of my community is that I genuinely want the people in my life (and everyone, for that matter) to live life to their fullest. Happiness and bliss and smiles. I know these aren't "practical" or "doable" all of the time, but it's my focus for myself and others. And do you know what? It comes right back at me. People share their love and sympathy when I'm hurting and are happy for me when I am doing well. I know that some decide early on in their lives that life isn't worth it, that they're just marking time until "their time" arrives. Well, what's the point of that? Suffering isn't a gift from or to God. Joy is. </div>
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I have been getting ready for the upcoming flight to Japan (FRIDAY!!!), being a co-parent during a difficult time and getting distracted (Game of Thrones) so I haven't blogged as much as I was. I don't know how often I'll be able to connect while overseas either, but I look forward to checking in as often as I can/want.</div>
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Today is day 35 of my Lent experience/experiment. I'm glad I'll be "off the wagon" in time to enjoy some sake in Japan. I'm also hoping to go with E to a Karaoke bar. (I'm not saying I <u>couldn't</u> sing karaoke sober in a foreign country, but there's nothing like a little liquid courage.) One of my funniest memories of the last time we visited (1995) was when we went to a place called the "One Shot" bar. We didn't know what to order, so we get two shots of Wild Turkey. (Why we ordered American Whiskey in Japan, I don't know.) The bill came out to $24 for the shots. We couldn't really believe it. And we did, indeed, have only "one shot" while there. </div>
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I have been grateful for the sobriety and the time to focus on my relationship to myself during this time. My head's been in a pretty good space overall and I've had some interesting insights into beliefs about myself and my relationship to "altered states" and being around other people. I really needed this time. Thanks again for the suggestion, Rev. </div>
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Here's some gems from this week's "Simple Abundance" calendar:</div>
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<i>The Universe is not stingy. We are. Some of us have very stingy souls. Perhaps not in how we treat others, but in how we treat ourselves. Yet how can Spirit give more if our fists, hearts, and minds are clenched tight?</i></div>
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<i>Today declare to the Universe that you are open to receiving all the abundance it's waiting patiently to bestow. Each day offers us the opportunity to learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart.</i></div>
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<i>The time has come for us to realize that until we work on increasing our self-esteem by loving ourselves in small ways, we can't begin changing ourselves for the better in big ways.</i></div>
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<i>Whatever you are waiting for--peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of Simple Abundance--it will surely come, but only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. </i></div>
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It's been about a week since I have felt a release from anxiety. It's a sensation that likes to live in my belly. I know that I don't breathe as deeply when it is in residence. I have to constantly confront the belief that if I don't focus on the "what if's", then I might very well be caught unprepared. Well, I know better. I really do. Worrying on things that haven't happened can be like prayer, says Rev, a prayer that manifests in the "truth" of seeing life as hard, unfulfilling, surrounded by scarcity. Change my thinking, change my life, right? So, with you as my witness, I will declare to the Universe that I am open to receiving all of the abundance that it is patiently waiting to bestow. I know that any and all good coming to me is my birthright and does NOT take away from the birthright of others.</div>
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Thanks again to all of you who have posted, texted, e-mailed, called, messaged or supported me in person. I am not alone and neither are you. Underneath the layers of anxiety, fear, sadness and doubt is that Silent Watcher I keep mentioning. Whether I forget about its presence or am able to breathe fully into acknowledging that it is there and it is constant, it is there and it is constant.</div>
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I'm going to end this post with a link to one of my favorite songs. It's "Breathe" by Telepopmusik. (If you like the song, I would highly suggest you create a Pandora station for this band. There's some great techno-lounge music out there.)</div>
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<i>Just Breathe</i></div>
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<i>Just Believe</i></div>
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<i>Another Day</i></div>
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<i>Just Believe </i></div>
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<i>I'm used to it by now</i></div>
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<i>Just Breathe</i></div>
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<i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpY1tXHsdgw">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpY1tXHsdgw</a></i></div>
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Thanks for listening. </div>
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Love to you all.</div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-9045738189773266952015-03-22T22:26:00.003-07:002015-03-22T22:26:49.503-07:00Lent: Days 31-33: Emotions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's been a few days since I've posted. Lying in bed on Friday night, I felt shell-shocked from emotions. It's not easy being human, being a parent, being a person who is "overly" sensitive. <br />
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As transparent as I've strived to be with my blog, I do have my dignity and a sense of privacy. When there are situations that are personal and I can't write about them without bringing a bunch of other people into the words, I either avoid the issue altogether or wait a bit to see how it will all settle before attempting to share.<br />
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Things are settling, but the dust is still swirling and some of the pieces have not yet landed. One day at a time, right? Five days to go until we board a plane for Tokyo, me, the man I am separated from, and our son. We will spend 10 days with my dad and step-mom, visiting and traveling and living a dream we've had since Jake was born, which was to take him to visit the beautiful country of Japan. I pray that the week ahead will be nothing more than a flurry of work and packing and marking off my checklist. <br />
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Yesterday's Oprah/Deepak was about emotions. They advised that nothing is more intimate than our emotions. The current of our feelings have a major influence on every choice we make and that it is vital that we heal and train our emotions to be reliable and trusted allies in order to support our success. I am aware of my emotions, but I am not my emotions. How does one train emotions? Perhaps recognizing them as they come and go, but not becoming attached to them and letting them change as they need to? If anyone has suggestions, let me know. I have heard from quite a few people that their comments still aren't posting. If this happens to you, feel free to send the comments to my e-mail which is listed to the right on the blog site. Let me know if you'd like me to post for you. I am sorry for the complications, but I always am hungry for feedback. <br />
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Emotions as reliable and trusted allies? These are new thoughts for me. Emotions have run my life for a long time . . . 43 years or so. I don't want to become an unfeeling person. I have always felt that my empathic personality has been one of my strongest traits. The trick is to have healthy boundaries, however, and not let the weight of the world suck me into the abyss. Or, when I find myself at the bottom of the black hole, to have faith that there are steps up and out, where I can breathe the fresh air of gratitude again.<br />
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Below my emotions and moment-by-moment activities is a Silent Watcher. It is my Self. We all have It, I believe. It's the connection I have with all of life. This awareness is the foundation on which my spirituality is based. I forget about it for most of the day, and then I remember, and then I forget. I know I've said this before, but since I forget so often, it's good to remind myself with the printed word. <br />
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I do not know how everything is going to turn out . . . not with our son, with my separated relationship, with my other family members, with my friends, with the rest of my life, however long I am here in this body. But the Self remains constant. Being aware enables me to see past the possessions and the emotions and even the experiences, which so quickly turn into emotion-based memories. In the meantime, however, I know that I am here for a reason. Rev Guy says that we are here because Spirit was in need of a human experience to express Itself. Well, that's an honor now, isn't it? <br />
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In the past few days, I have stood up for myself and my son, prayed for Spirit to show me if my Ego's voice was too loud (and got an answer within the hour), hugged, cried, told people how I felt, and faced the human emotions of shame and "not good enough". Peace comes, peace goes. Intentions are set, sometimes there is follow-through, and sometimes procrastination wins out. Perhaps I should look at procrastination as a form of cowardice and practice being brave a little bit more. <br />
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For those of you who pray, I am asking for some prayer tonight. Peace and joy and a sense of security; faith that "it'll all be ok" and bravery in my endeavors. I'll send some love and light your way too. Ready? Go. <br />
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Feel better? I do.<br />
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Thanks for listening and participating with me along this journey. <br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-79832403117604932642015-03-19T18:49:00.000-07:002015-03-19T18:49:49.896-07:00Lent Day 30: Divestment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">(paraphrased from the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary)</span></h2>
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From today's "Simple Abundance" calendar:</div>
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<i>Once you search within for your own special gifts of Spirit, your material desires diminish. </i></div>
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<i>Your soul divests for you rather than your conscious mind. </i></div>
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I had to look up "divest", although once I read the meaning, my mind thought of various sentences I've read in books, usually when someone gets something taken away from them, stripped. This word used in a meditational thought seems more gentle, supporting the way to Wholeness.</div>
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I've been reading (and listening) to various books on the Tao Te Ching. One of them is <u>The Tao of an Uncluttered Life</u> by Karen Hicks. In the intro she speaks of the different seasons of our lives, how when we're young, very often we're all about the acquisitions. As we move into our middle and older years, we tend to be drawn to getting rid of the stuff we worked so hard to accumulate. </div>
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Moving out of the house which held all of my possessions has been an interesting experience. I have been discovering which things mean the most to me. (Please note I am talking about "things", not people or the animals. Leaving them behind has cracked my heart.) When I was getting ready to move out, I obsessed over my books, taking them down to the garage, sorting and labeling boxes (Fiction, Non-Fiction, Children's), with *'s marking the boxes with the most dear to me. Part of me wondered about this focused energy with the books, the majority of which are self-improvement. I guess that answers my question. They represent(ed) my quest for peace, wholeness and wisdom. The books I've owned since childhood invoked strong emotions in me. I deliberately did my best to get rid of the ones which brought up pain and sadness. (A beautifully illustrated copy of <u>Alice in Wonderland</u> was one of the books which I let go. There is not one happy character in this book and the pictures had haunted me since I received it as a gift when I was about 8.) There are still some books left behind at the house. I'll bring them over eventually. I guess I'm still claiming my spot there with them. (Also, I have run out of bookcase space here. If anyone local has a two-shelf bookcase they don't need, let me know.)</div>
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I have my eye on some of the art that still hangs there. I am very much into the paintings that were done by people I know or local artists. I wonder what I'll do about the boxes in the garage that hold high school memories like the one full of prom dresses or the ones with cards and ribbons. Do I really want to store things that I'll look at once a decade? Maybe the resident racoon has gotten into them and will save me the struggle of decision.</div>
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I like things to mean something, not just be pretty. I know that meaning is something I assign to it. I long ago learned that giving up something gifted to me doesn't mean I am rejecting the person who gave it. E used to tease me because when Jake was a baby and we'd be visiting with friends or family, if they had gotten him an outfit, I'd be sure to dress him in it to show that I was appreciative. It means something when someone gives something to me. They thought of me and put forth energy and effort. Things evoke emotions. Pictures even more so. What do people do with family pictures after the family has broken up? We're not so angry that we tore them up or burned them. Will Jake want them when he grows up? He's not very sentimental. Quite a few of them are in a box in the band room. I guess the decisions will come to us in time.</div>
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I look across the room to the table that has been cluttered since the December holidays. Why haven't I taken care of this mess? I brought a file box and folders home . . . and there they sit, the papers who want to be organized inside are scattered around. What am I avoiding? I do know myself well enough to know that if I have company over on Saturday, which was a discussion among myself and some friends last night, I'll clean that area up in a hurry. But why don't I just do it for myself?</div>
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3/4 of my room looks great. I make my bed daily, don't leave clothes lying around and am fantasizing about putting my books in alpha order. It's that last 1/4 that is drawing too much of my energy away from flow. I don't need a lot more in this room. I had turned down E's offer of a tv and dvd player as I appreciated not having the distraction or "stuff". If I wanted to watch a movie up here I could do it on my laptop. But I've reconsidered as having a space in here for Jake to veg out seems like a good way to entice him over more often. This is where I live now and if some more "stuff" paves a smoother way between me and my son, I will happily have a little more. </div>
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Thanks for listening. </div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-40852868772877265742015-03-18T14:28:00.002-07:002015-03-18T14:28:26.297-07:00Lent Day 29: Well, Einstein Said It . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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What a great quote! This morning when I opened the "Transform Your Life" app while still in my cozy bed, this is what I got. Makes sense, right!?! I believe in this wisdom wholeheartedly. It's why I'm on this quest to "raise my vibration", to "change my thinking and change my life" and all the other themes I've been ranting on and on about. <br />
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So how does one go about changing their level of consciousness? I guess first of all, we can accept that there are some things we can control and some things we can't. The main thing we can change is ourselves and the way to start this is to be open to new knowledge! Movies, books, music, conversation, "random" posters and events; the "answers" will start flowing our way if we just let them. <br />
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When folks respond to my ramblings and let me know about the synchronicity of their experiences with mine, I get a little tingle. Our roads have converged, even for just a few steps.<br />
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Today at work the Library was closed again due to the testing schedule. Once again I decided to plug into my laptop in the dark back room and listen to today's Oprah/Deepak meditation. As the talking ended and the music for meditating started, I wondered how many more minutes lunch was. I didn't have the schedule in front of me but I accepted that it would all work out. As the meditation ended and I stood to leave the room, the bell ending lunch rang. I smiled. Of course! I didn't worry about it, the nagging inner voice, which often signifies that I need to look further into an issue had accepted that the timing would be perfect and it was.<br />
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Here are some tidbits gleaned from today's meditation entitled: Success Frees Your Creativity<br />
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<i>My creative Source brings me deep to the source of my thoughts, feelings and desires. It is in this space that I create my present experience moment by moment. Reconnecting to my inner self is the key to manifesting lifelong success. I approach each moment with fresh eyes and an open heart, no longer defined by past pain or fears for the future. The creative power behind all success is the primal creativity of Nature itself moving through me. It is the power of my being to recreate the unique expression of life that is me at this present moment. Being in touch with myself is the single biggest secret of success.</i><br />
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I am working with a friend who is coaching to develop and create work for myself over the summer; something that can carry on through the years. I believe in my gifts of service to others in the form of organization. As I was speaking about my ideas to an acquaintance this morning, he asked me if I had a business card, stating that I had "sold him" on my abilities to create personal systems for others. Cool! Maybe I should get some of those cards made. Why not? (We had a bit of a laugh as I shared the messy table in my room that I've been avoiding. Organize other . . . sure! Organize myself . . . well, there often seems to be something else to do. Ha ha.)<br />
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A few summers ago one of my Aunt's called me an "enabler" as I was helping her to pack up her house. I took great offense to this and mustered my courage up enough to ask her about it. I was so glad that I did as she explained that what she meant was that I was great at motivating her to get through tasks she had been dreading. Ok. I can live with that. Finding out my true gifts and being open to the possibilities of using these gifts to make money sounds good to me.<br />
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Thanks for listening!</div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-19379813269670153092015-03-17T13:34:00.004-07:002015-03-17T13:34:59.679-07:00Lent Days 27 and 28: Just a Little Bit of Meditation Goes a Long Way . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This morning I awoke to then the news that our bank account was overdrawn. This never feels good. I'm glad I didn't know about it before going to sleep, but my dreams were a bit rocky so perhaps I knew it instinctively. <br />
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I carried around that feeling of unease all morning. <br />
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I had my alarm set to wake up early enough to listen to day 2 of the Oprah/Deepak meditation and even took my bath last night to shave off more time. I didn't move very fast, though, and stayed in bed longer than I should have. (It was just so warm and cozy!) My backup meditation app wouldn't open quickly enough for my liking so I just set a 9 minute timer on my phone and did my best to bliss out in the quiet mind without falling asleep.<br />
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I rarely take a lunch break at work, but since the library was closed due to testing, I took my laptop to the quiet back room and logged on to today's meditational link.<br />
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The message was pretty simple: "Success Increases Love". "I am here to bring more love into the world." The Sanskrit mantra was "Aham Prema" which means, "I Am Love".<br />
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Deepak said that success is the ability to love and be loved. I need to love myself on the road to success. I invite love to flow through my heart. <br />
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"Find the seed of bliss within and follow it." We were asked to focus on our passion. My passion is service to others. I know I fall short of this from time to time. I have owed my mom some help at her place for WAY too long. (Sorry, Mom!!!) I fluctuate between wanting to help others and wanting to get the hell away from them. (Not directed at you, Mom.) :)<br />
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Silence and solitude is bliss, but so is connection. <br />
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Yesterday's message was "Success is a Living Reality." We were advised to view success not as an outer goal but to learn to experience it as an inner state of being that can be lived right now. What is important to me? Knowing this through self-awareness points my life in the right direction. <br />
Again and again. <br />
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Today Deepak said to think about a person or memory in which we were filled with happiness. I thought about a time last summer when Jake surprised me by taking me on a "gondola" ride around the patio area at church, whistling a song and using a pole to guide us. He was fun and gentle and loving. I think I was grinning like a dog who gets to stick her head out the car window. Deepak said that these feelings/memories are our possessions and we can access them whenever we want to. <br />
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After the message follows about 15 minutes of quiet meditational music. I breathe in and out, repeating the mantra and being nice but strict with my brain when it wants to jump to the "to do" list or other random thoughts. I am happy to announce that once the meditation was over, the anxiety in my stomach was gone. I'm glad I made the decision to "take a lunch" today.<br />
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Thanks for listening. <br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-25974277496796362012015-03-15T21:55:00.001-07:002015-03-15T21:55:22.127-07:00Lent Day 26: Onwards and Upwards<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am happy to report that my spirits were pretty high today. I awoke, only pushed the snooze button two or three times, and had a great time on stage today with the band at church.<br />
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Today also marked the end of a short phase in my life, as I received some of my things that had been at someone else's house for quite a while. They are just things and I could have lived without them, but it felt good to have closure. I put everything away, not dilly-dallying and leaving the task for later, extending uncomfortable feelings which come from things that end differently than we had hoped. <br />
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They say our best teachers are the ones who bring out the the parts of us that we don't necessarily like to face. I have no regrets and send love and gratitude to this person who was a teacher to me. <br />
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I just finished watching "Olive Kitteridge", a 4-episode HBO mini-series starring Francis McDormand. She also played the main female role in "Fargo", which I recently watched. It's fun when unplanned themes play out. She's a pretty sensational actor and the parts she played in these two productions couldn't be more dissimilar. <br />
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I am a huge fan of character dramas. I don't need a bunch of action to keep me interested. I am fascinated by people and watching them on the big screen is less messy than knowing them in real life. Olive Kitteridge is quick and rude and pessimistic. In contrast, her husband Henry, played by Richard Jenkins is so nice he seems like a vulnerable sap. I am continuously interested in what makes couples tick. So often I see all the reasons why they don't match up, whether on screen or right in front of me. I guess they somehow balanced each other out. <br />
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This show isn't for folks looking for a "feel good" time, but her brash comments were amusing and even though I guarded my heart against falling for any of the characters, I am glad I spent some time in their world, for no other reason than to be grateful for mine. <br />
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Tomorrow starts a 21-Day Meditation with Oprah and Deepak. It's my fourth or fifth time doing one with them and I'm looking forward to moving forward in my awareness practice. The theme for this one is "Manifesting True Success". If you're interested in checking it out, here's a link:<br />
<a href="https://chopracentermeditation.com/?utm_source=mts-nurture&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=mts-nurture-2">https://chopracentermeditation.com/?utm_source=mts-nurture&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=mts-nurture-2</a><br />
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So, I'm about to call it a day. I am grateful for my life's experiences and for the chance to share them with you.<br />
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Thanks for listening.</div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-30143450797540679302015-03-15T00:53:00.000-07:002015-03-15T00:53:39.710-07:00Lent Days 24/25: Acknowledge and Let Go. Rinse and Repeat.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I didn't post yesterday for a few reasons. Mainly it was because I was upset and I don't like to react in public, or in general, when I'm upset. Things tend to be said that can't be unsaid when the emotions run high. <br />
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Instead of getting it all out in my blog, since the matter was more of a private one, I decided to go for a walk/run with Gypsy, the cool old dog that lives here. We went decently far. I was mindful of her age and that her physical health isn't what it once was as well as my foot, which has been hurting since Fall of 2014 due to running in cheap shoes, I think. I didn't want to overdue it for either of us. After making it quite a ways up a long hill, I decided it was time to head back. As we walked down I started noticing the tiny wildflowers by the side of the road. I knew then that I was finally getting out of my hurt headspace. I became attentive to all the different types of flowers along the hill, stopping and looking at them close-up. I find it soothing to look at nature. It doesn't care if I'm having a good day or not, it's just existing for its own sake. I like this perspective.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As you can see, I didn't take this picture, but these beautiful flowers look like some of the ones I saw.</td></tr>
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After taking a long, hot bath it was time for a movie and guacamole. I re-watched Fargo, which I hadn't seen in a very long time. Violent but funny and endearing, just like I had remembered. I went to sleep with a calmer heart.<br />
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While in the tub, I read some more in the <u>Untethered Soul</u> book, dog-earring the bottom of several pages worth re-reading in the future. I'd like to share a bit of it with you.<br />
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<i>"As you grow spiritually, you will realize that your attempts to protect yourself from your problems actually create more problems. If you attempt to arrange people, places, and things so they don't disturb you, it will begin to feel like life is against you. ... This makes life a threat. That's why you worry so much. ... The alternative is to decide not to fight with life. You realize and accept that life is not under your control. Life is continuously changing, and if you're trying to control it, you'll never be able to fully live it. ... But once you've decided not to fight with life, you'll have to face the fear that is causing you to fight. ... When you have fear inside of you, the events of life invariably stimulate it. Like a rock thrown into water, the world with its continuous changes ripples in whatever is held within you. ... Life creates situations that push you to your edges, all with the effect of removing what is blocked inside of you. That which is blocked and buried within you forms the root of fear. ... Fear is the cause of every problem. ... Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. ... You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place."</i> (abridged pps 115-117)<br />
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<i> </i>I don't normally include such long quotes, but this stuff is important to me and I wanted to share it with you. The book also talked about acknowledging when"stuff" comes up and practicing the "let go" right away. The sooner the better. So I did that a lot today. When I felt irritation or sadness arise, I noticed it and breathed some space into it. Sometimes it dissipated right away, sometimes it took longer, but it always moved on and made space for the next emotion, whether it be something I wanted to feel or something I was ready to let go again and as quickly as possible.<br />
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I am not so quick to let go of the "good" emotions, I've noticed. I really like feeling them and want to cling, but I think it'd be good practice to acknowledge them, like all the rest, and then let them pass on through. I think this'll bring more peace to me in general.<br />
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Tonight I made a decision that was quite unlike my old self. There was an incident with Jake in which I foresaw his reaction and made a conscious decision not to play into it. He was displeased with my actions and let me know. The amount of "bother" I felt because of it was so much less than it would have been in the past, I am amazed. He's in charge of his emotions and actions, as am I. I am learning healthier boundaries and will go to sleep tonight feeling lighter than I might have even a few weeks ago. <br />
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For this I am grateful. Very, very grateful.<br />
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Thanks for listening. </div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-10567258692259971272015-03-12T22:29:00.000-07:002015-03-12T22:29:07.524-07:00Lent Day 23: Mothers and Sons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Hello, All-<br />
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With the help of my computer whiz student, we've streamlined the Blog layout a bit. It should be easier to see the red comment icon on the bottom. I also changed the settings so that comments will post right away. Hope this helps.<br />
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I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of a day. Work was great. I was happy to be there and felt purposeful as I strode about campus. Karaoke in the Library at lunch was fun. There were enough students who wanted to sing so that I didn't need to, although I had "Papa Don't Preach" (Madonna's version) in the queue in case there was a lull in participation. My favorite part was when one student asked if he could dance instead of singing. Why not? He pulled up a favorite song and danced his booty off in front of about 75 students in various degrees of studying, socializing and watching. I had a new girl as DJ and she took to her role very well. It was great to see her full of confidence and in her element as she pulled up the requested songs for potential singers and enthusiastically filled in on the mic. <br />
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By the end of the work day I was dragging energetically and was thinking a nap might be in my near future. Jake had plans to ride the bus to the Library so I didn't need to give him a ride home. As I drove towards his school on my way home, I was reflecting on the lack of feeling I had toward the situation. I didn't feel overjoyed about not having responsibility for him today and being able to rest if I wanted, but I didn't feel anything negative about it either until I drove by three school buses with students from his school. Knowing he was probably on one of them and maybe had seen me drive by, my heart cracked and I had myself a cry.<br />
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When I gave up my activities in honor of Lent, I made a list of the things I wanted to be cautious about, things that might take up places in my life in a negative way. Food and sleep are biggies on my list. I haven't been lethargic but I have been eating more. What I didn't consider ahead of time was how when I'm busy, I have less time for feelings. Having an afternoon free suddenly felt overwhelming. I threw a load of wash in the machine, made a snack and headed to bed. <br />
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One of the books I'm reading is <u>The Talisman</u> co-written by Stephen King and Peter Straub. It came out in the 80s, I think, and I've been off and on with it since December. I am very sensitive to books with boys as main characters. I am very protective of them. This story is about a 12-year-old boy who is on a quest to save his mother. I probably shouldn't have picked this book to read this afternoon, but I did. His horrible experiences at the hands of sadistic adults and mean peers didn't alleviate my mood. I lay in bed about an hour, in that zone between sleep and wake before deciding I'd had enough.<br />
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I'm in charge of my emotions. I get that. It's just sometimes hard to move out of sadness, even, or especially, when it's hard to pinpoint the source. I brushed my teeth, started a load of laundry, did a bunch of straightening and listened to really loud and heavy music. I started a shuffle on my ipod which included The Bronx, Gallows, Bad Brains, Clutch, Quicksand, Transplants, and other fun stuff. I turned it up extra loud and just let energy take over. I got out of my funk and started cooking, feeling better as I went. I had a few more emotional minutes after spotting a pan in the cupboard that reminded me of a pan at my old house. I miss cooking in "my kitchen" with "my equipment". I made a lot of meals there and left most of it behind for now. I tried to get in touch with Jake, who had texted me earlier for permission to walk around town, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him on the phone. I hope to connect with him tomorrow, watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead and maybe take the dogs to the park. <br />
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With dinner we watched "Philomena". I knew it would make me cry. This movie is based on a true story about an Irish woman who is trying to track down the son taken from her when he was young by the nuns at an abbey for unwed mothers and sold to adoptive parents in America. I got the movie from the Library about three weeks ago and wasn't sure I was ready for it, but it was an excellent movie and my tears were nothing outrageous. <br />
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Throughout the day I visualized water running under the door of self-imposed limitations and other situations over which I have little control. It's become powerful in my mind and I look forward to seeing how Spirit will move in my life. I let go and let God with a heart of gratitude.<br />
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I will end this post with some words from a Healing Card pulled from my deck. <br />
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<i>Wellness is our natural state. Disease is an imposter. Memories are clever imposters, making it appear that an experience or relationship cannot be healed. If you believe that, how can you heal your body or protect your health? </i><i>Replace imposters with a higher truth.</i></blockquote>
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Ok. I can do this. And I think I might be up for a little more boyish adventure from <u>The Talisman</u>. One thing I know about King's books is that even though horrible stuff happens to his main characters, things generally turn out alright in the end.</div>
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Thanks for listening.</div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-51289616672611038102015-03-11T23:45:00.001-07:002015-03-11T23:45:34.722-07:00Lent Day 22: I Should Be In Bed, But . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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But I want to spend a few moments blogging. I'm liking this habit of expressing myself. I feel connected to the folks who are reading it and I imagine you as I sit here in my chair. I send love and blessings.<br />
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A few folks mentioned to me that they tried to comment to my posts but didn't have any luck. I will work on making this easier for ya'll, because I love the feedback and insights. If anyone has experience with Blogger and knows how to do this, please let me know. I will have one of my students look at it tomorrow. She is amazing with this stuff. I will also see about making the font bigger. For now, I know if you click the tiny red "no comments" button on the bottom of each post, you can post through there, although it won't show up until I have waved my magic fairy wand. I set the comments to filter through me first mainly so that I wouldn't miss any. I must be honest, however, and also say that I'd like to read any comments before they are made public. I guess this is part of my "need to control". I can live with this aspect of myself for now. :)<br />
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I'm going to keep this post short, as I am beat, but my mind has been chewing on something I heard today on the Dr. Dyer audio I mentioned previously. The title of the book is <u>Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life</u> and it is based on Lao Tzu's <u>Tao Te Ching</u>. I can't remember right now which chapter it's from, but Dyer talks about the power of water. It is strong enough to shape rock, yet one can't just grab it with a bare hand. The idea behind the chapter is to stop swimming against the tide. He says to let our dreams flow freely and picture the as of yet elusive ones as behind a closed door. The door represents the reasons we've told ourselves why we don't deserve whatever the dream is. (Examples would be abundance, a great relationship, whatever.) Now picture the water getting through the door, however your imagination wants to see it. I pictured the door as representing a belief I have against being financially abundant. My limiting thoughts have been that I am a fraud, that no-one would want to pay me the money I want for the skill set that I have, that I wouldn't be responsible if I had a lot of money, etc. I started picturing water seeping under that door. I smile and feel powerful at this image. What are the doors in your life? What stands between you and your dreams? Spend some time visualizing the water getting through that door, however that looks for you. I will, too.<br />
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Neither of these images matched the one in my head, but they'll do. They both felt good to me, especially the one where the water is pouring through, not just seeping.<br />
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Goodnight and thanks for listening and giving such great feedback.<br />
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xo<br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-48576407712603008222015-03-10T22:09:00.001-07:002015-03-10T22:09:02.340-07:00Day 21: So I Went to a Wine Tasting Class Tonight . . . <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yes, I did. Our band practice was postponed and Sal had been invited to a friend's house, at which she knew only the hostess. The group was getting together for a wine class and tasting party. Since I found my evening free, I offered to drive her and be her date. <br />
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I guess I like to put myself in the path of temptation just to see how I'll do, although I gotta admit, the past few days have been a bit of a challenge keeping myself on the course of all these good intentions.<br />
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The guests were very friendly and I wasn't asked too many questions about why I wasn't drinking. I was grateful for this because it's kind of a long story and not one I necessarily needed to share with folks I had just met. <br />
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At one point I felt very high maintenance as I sipped my grapefruit juice, avoided the beautiful shrimp main dish (as I am allergic to shellfish), and eyeballed the bread. (I have been eating very little gluten for the past year + on the advice of my Dr. and have been quite happy with the results.) To not look like such a freak with only salad on my plate, I gave in and had some bread. It was the super-tasty kind with jalapenos baked into the loaf. I put some butter on it and enjoyed every bite. I acknowledge that I'm a bit bloated from it, but give thanks that I avoid gluten for minor health reasons, as opposed to some who would have such dramatic reactions. <br />
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As we watched the video on the wines being offered and shown how to sniff them appropriately, Sal asked if I'd like to smell hers. I teetered, but figured if those glasses were going to get that close to my mouth, all bets would be off.<br />
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The group has decided to meet once a month. By the time I get back from my trip and their next gathering is booked, I'll probably be back to my usual drinking self. I'll let you know how that goes.<br />
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I'd like to end this post with some tidbits from Sarah Ban Breathnach's "Simple Abundance" calendar. The days I missed reading due to the weekend away from work, where I keep it, were really good. You might like them too. <br />
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March 8<br />
<i>Grace is available for each of us every day--our spiritual daily bread--but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and try not to worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow. There will be.</i><br />
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March 9<br />
<i>Simplicity gains importance in our lives as we begin to make peace with ourselves, and gradually come to the inner awareness that we don't need to gild the lily. Some of the trappings can be relinquished because the Real Thing is finally ready to be revealed.</i><br />
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March 10<br />
<i>To undo the damage we have done by remaining dormant for years, we must reconnect with our authentic selves. We must treat ourselves gently with the kindness we would bestow on amnesiacs who need the patient reassurance of their true identities.</i><br />
<img src="http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Kindness.jpg" /><br />
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Thanks for listening.<br />
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-26559731064982150712015-03-10T00:24:00.001-07:002015-03-10T00:40:29.401-07:00Lent Day 20: The Halfway Mark<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">Eternity is not the hereafter. Eternity has nothing to do with time. This is it. If you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere. The experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life. Heaven is not the place to have the experience; here's the place to have the experience. --Joseph Campbell</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Segoe UI, Helvetica, Arial, Lucida Grande, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13px;">Assignment: Today, let yourself have some experiences of heaven here and now.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: purple; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', 'Segoe UI', Helvetica, Arial, 'Lucida Grande', sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">The above message was from today's "Transform Your Life" morning app. I read it just before sitting down for a short meditation. It was good to be reminded that the "here and now" is really all we have. As each breath and heartbeat happens and moves on, so do we. When our thoughts get stuck on the past or into the future, we miss the now. Most of my day is spent planning on what is to come or what has already happened. I forget about the now. And then I am reminded. And then I forget. And on and on. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Lots to say today and here it is 11:10 pm, feeling like it's earlier because I haven't adjusted to the time change yet. My first alarm goes off at 4:45 a.m. Chances are, I won't be jumping out of bed. Or maybe I will. I'll try not to plan. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">First of all, I'd like to say that I was very stoked to receive two responses to yesterday's post. Since they both came through as "anonymous", if you'd like to let me know who you are, send me a message on FB. Seems like one was from out of country. Very cool. I am honored. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Secondly, as I was at my "old" house today, I noticed a small dream-catcher that a friend had given me a few years ago. I haven't spoken to this friend in awhile and I owe her an apology. We used to run into each other pretty often in this small town but I haven't seen her in quite some time. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about her and what she might have to say to me. I did her wrong and want to let her know that I am sorry. (There's more than one person on my list of people I want to apologize to, but seeing this small token of our friendship today brought her to the forefront of my attention,) I brought it home with me, along with my small collection of positive divination cards. I pulled three Angel cards with her in mind. I was talking to Sally, my roommate as I did so, and didn't want to be distracted from our conversation so I kept them face down until now. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">The cards I picked were Harmony, Music, and Freedom. In my basket of cards I also had a small piece of paper with a beautiful calligraphic word given to me by a dear friend with many artistic gifts, including gorgeous writing. The word on the paper is "harmony".</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Here's what the Harmony angel card said:</span></div>
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<i style="background-color: purple;">"Conflict is resolved in a situation that was troubling you. Know that you deserve this peace and happiness, and accept it graciously. You are a peace-lover at heart and this card comes to you as a sign of a new harmony that dawns upon you. Let go of viewing the situation as troubled, and see yourself and others through the eyes of your guardian angels. In this way, you'll look past the surface and see the beauty and light that eternally shines within everyone."</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Wonderful. While I'm not in the position to seek her out at this time, I felt peaceful regarding the situation. If/when we met face-to-face, it will be in Divine timing and, I hope, she will forgive me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Today I kept Jake from school and took him with me for my therapy session. I've been seeing the same therapist off and on for a number of years and he is great. He is kind and funny and calls me on my shit. While driving up there, I asked Jake why he thought I was taking him. "Because I'm crazy and you think I need to talk to someone about it", was his response. While I am supportive of him speaking to a therapist, I don't think he's crazy and I certainly know better than to have us visit the same person separately, however much I think someone like my guy would be great for him. I told Jake that actually I was taking him because I wanted to have a safe space for us to talk and to re-define our relationship. I told him that I don't like the tension between us that surfaces so much of the time and that I know that when communication is down, stuff gets assumed and presumed. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">He said that the only real problem he had with his dad and me was that he hates his name and wants to change it. I told him that I never really resonated with my name. "So change it," was his response, of course. "If I come across one that fits me better, I just might," was my response. He also told me that he was pretty sure that I was bi-polar. I certainly didn't want to hear that, but I could see where he was coming from. He has seen more drastically emotional sides of me this past year. I am not proud of the times I've cried in front of him or gotten seriously angry over "little" things. I know that I am a very emotional person and that I quite often let those emotions take over. This was another instance where my inner wisdom let me know that taking a "time-out" before responding, especially to him, is quite often a good idea. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">"And do you think I'm responsible for me and your dad breaking up?" "Well, it was pretty obvious one day when you had me look something up on your computer and I saw that you had written that you were going to divorce dad," was his response. Oh. That happened? I wonder what it was that I had written? I had started to keep some Word documents as a type of diary at the beginning of our breakup, as I am a much quicker and neater typist than I hand-write. So now I know the answer to the question of why he thinks I am responsible. It was because I had stated it and he had read it. My lack of discretion had planted the seed. I was able to leave it at that.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">The session with my therapist went well, I think. Jake was present and responsive, polite and took part in the conversation. We went out for a coffee afterward and hit a bit of a snag when I wanted him to complete the homework assigned to us. "Work out some ways you can show respect to each other," was what we were to do. So I did my part, acknowledging what I had heard Jake say. He would like me to react less emotionally, talk to him about stuff privately, not in front of his friends, and let him learn from his own mistakes. Ok. I'll see what I can do. When I asked him to write down some things he could do to show me respect, however, he balked. There was nothing for him to do differently, he said. He used his logical arguments against me. "If I 'act' more polite, than it's just an act." Etc. I was the one who was to do all the changing and our disconnect was all my fault, it seemed. As I felt the negative emotions rising, I asked for a "time-out". He was fine with that, busy on his tablet. About 10 minutes later he said he was ready to go when I was. When he saw that I was still upset, he asked me about it. I told him that I felt sad and frustrated; that I had shown that I had listened to him and was willing to take steps toward a more healed relationship and when he didn't offer anything that he might do differently, I felt like he didn't care. As we walked to the next store he suggested, "Maybe we shouldn't try to change each other. We should accept each other for who we are." Then he apologized and said, "Huggie?", meaning that he wanted a hug. Right there in the parking lot. I was happy to give and get one. I breathed deeper. I felt like I was living one of those "bits of heaven" mentioned in the morning meditational thought, right there and then. The rest of our day was smooth and friendly. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Later in the evening during yoga, my ego and shadow sides were busy plotting and scheming as to what I would do when I no longer restricted myself from drinking and sex. It was almost amusing, the amount of energy and the ideas that were flitting through my mind. I know I have a very impetuous side and I am grateful for the cushion of time that is still allotted to me before I allow myself to take further action. Probably some of these ideas that seemed so delicious won't seem so given a bit of time. With the time change, I was able to go on a quick run/hike before dark. The inner plotting continued, but I was able to temper it with a bit of prayer for wisdom and signs. The hungry animal has gone back to her cave for now.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Guess I should stop for the night. Or morning, as it is past midnight. Looks like my evening sleep will be more like a longer nap. That's ok. It all works out.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: purple;">I apologize for the funky background and print color. I spent some time trying to fix it and decided to let it be. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: purple;">Thanks for putting up with it and Thanks for listening. </span></div>
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Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-5160135384150940372015-03-08T23:11:00.002-07:002015-03-08T23:11:37.919-07:00Lent Day 19: My Gratitude List <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Kinda melancholy today, off and on. Felt a bit alone, even when around those I love and who love me. I acknowledged these feelings and asked them what they wanted to express to me, like a sad child who just wants to be heard. The feelings wanted more assurance that I am indeed a part of the Whole. Yes indeedy. I Am, even when my humanness forgets.<br />
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Driving home from a wonderful evening with some of my closest friends, sisters really, I started mentally writing my gratitude list. I've been keeping a gratitude journal for years, one of the many positive by-products of <u>Simple Abundance</u>, that amazing book by Sarah Ban Breathnach that I wrote about a few days ago. Pretty much nightly I list 5+ things that I am grateful for. Sometimes I'm in a funk and don't feel like it. On those nights my list might look something like this:<br />
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1. bed<br />
2. dogs<br />
3. food<br />
4. health<br />
5. books<br />
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On other nights, especially when I've really been paying attention during the day, my list will be longer and/or more detailed. Becoming accustomed to the positive habit of gratitude has helped shape me. I notice the little things a lot more than I used to. I "snap out" of bad moods quicker and my life is constantly full of blessings. These gifts are like little wildflowers that grow in the cracks of the sidewalk. I am determined not to be an annoying Pollyanna, but seeing the world through the goggles of abundance is alot more fulfilling to me than seeing the glass half empty all the time. When I feel sad or stressed or fearful, usually I am still attuned to the positive stuff. <br />
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<img height="219" src="http://sharathsundar.com/version4/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/gratitude-girl.png" width="400" /><br />
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So here's my list for tonight.<br />
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I am grateful for:<br />
1. my girlfriends. what an honor to have them in my life.<br />
2. steak for dinner<br />
3. a loving and beautiful spiritual community/family<br />
4. being a sister<br />
5. my parents<br />
6. dogs<br />
7. making it through day 19 of sobriety, even when tempted by martinis made with fresh-squeezed blood-orange juice<br />
8. divine and virgin margaritas<br />
9. being taught through another social gathering that I didn't need a drink or any other substance to make conversation or to feel comfortable<br />
10. being a mom (and finding out that my son wasn't necessarily in on some negative choices made today)<br />
11. music in my car, even when, or especially when the songs strike an emo chord in me<br />
12. the chance to see my Aunt and Uncle today<br />
13. "drop-in's" at friends' houses. How lovely to always feel welcome there.<br />
14. a safe journey home<br />
15. positive responses to my blog and being told to "keep writing".<br />
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Ok. I will.<br />
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Thanks for listening and Good Night!!</div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2507077110878638864.post-41543221093414900712015-03-07T19:46:00.001-08:002015-03-07T19:46:25.798-08:00Lent Day 18: Complimenting, Not Completing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
A few days ago a friend who had read my blog sent me an email and some links regarding the human quest for partnerships; love relationships.<br />
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Here is the first link he sent: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgs0_--t0NY">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgs0_--t0NY</a><br />
(I haven't watched the second link yet as it is a bit longer and I haven't had the chance.) <br />
The link I posted is a 10-minute talk with Mooji, a spiritual guru from Jamaica. I've listened to it a few times in the past few hours. A vasana is a term for a subconscious thought that is imprinted on our minds and affects our behaviors. They refer to these quite a few times in the video.<br />
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The man in the video is asking Mooji what to do about the persistent thought that he needs a love partner in order to be complete, even as he believes that he is complete in and of himself. He feels caught between his desire to be with someone and his inner truth that he doesn't need another to live a fulfilled life. Mooji suggests that this is an age-old dilemma for humans. "Look inside one's heart", is his answer. "You have to get over this thing, out the need, the neediness, and feel the freedom of your own Self." He says that when we get sick of the persistent thoughts and let them go, a true partnership just might come our way. We're here to compliment each other's lives, not complete each other. <br />
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This is very interesting to me, especially in light of the very vivid dreams I've had of late, of love partners, some real, some imaginary. I know that if I were to start another relationship without doing more inner work, I would find myself in the same holding pattern. So I'll live with the discomfort, and keep working from the inside out.<br />
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Along the same lines as the message in the Mooji video is the Iyanla Vanzant book I started re-reading today. I had a copy of <u>In the Meantime</u> in the car as I had discovered that I had multiple copies and decided to take one to work for the BookSwap collection. I brought it in with me as I waited to get my oil changed and found that both Mooji and Iyanla were telling me the same thing.<br />
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All of the relationships we have or are experiencing are for a reason, whether they "work out" or not. They are mirrors of ourself and our quest to feel whole and complete. The belief that we'll find this in someone else, however, is a trap and false. Iyanla shares how when she was in the presence of the one she loved she felt okay, but when he was gone, she didn't feel okay and spent years trying to find someone else who made her feel the same way. Once she realized that she "was just fine the way (she) was, things got a lot better." And then he came back into her life, 15 years later. <br />
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"<i>Love is the only thing we need. Love is our peace. Love is our joy, health and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us. We must bring a strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring an excitement about ourselves, our lives, and the vision we have for these two essential elements. </i> <i>We must bring a respect for wealth and abundance. Having achieved it to some satisfactory degree on our own, we must move into relationships willing to </i>share what we have<i>, rather than being afraid of someone taking it. Joyful sharing and excitement. Value, purpose and vision. That's what love is about. When we bring these things to the relationship, love becomes a great multiplier and enhances the experience of life. When we do not have these things in place, the search to find love sets up the experiences we need to discover what is true about love and what is not. The discovery process is called the </i>meantime."(p.28)<br />
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<img alt="Image result for in the meantime iyanla vanzant" 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" /><br />
<br />
So that's what I've got going on, folks. I'm in the meantime. I wonder what I'll dream about tonite. I may or may not let you know.<br />
<br />
:)<br />
<br />
Thanks for listening.<br />
<br /></div>
Judy's Ramblingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00689267657973317522noreply@blogger.com0