Looking the Pain Right in the EYE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb2YOg_dkQM

Ok.  Start off by watching the link I posted above.  I watched it 3x in a row and it gave me goosebumps.  The first time I watched it, I broke out in tears and I had to post the link to my online Wolfpack (Women who Run with the Wolves.  Check it out, girlfriends!)

For years and years and YEARS I have felt out of sync with myself.  I have gone to 4 therapists, put my marriage on the line countless times, alienated myself from friends and family and abused substances in an attempt to escape the pain of living.

Here I am, 39 years young, and finally GETTING IT!

I started asking for help from a Divine source a few years ago.  I start the day accepting the blessings and abundance in my life.  Sometimes I wake up with a weight on my soul.  When I give thanks, it helps relieve the feeling of heaviness.

I have been learning to meditate.  We are told to "pray and meditate".  So, as I see it, prayer is when we talk, meditating is when we listen!

I am following my instincts more and more and more.  I no longer believe in the word "coincidence".  I am constantly amazed by the little and big convergences in my life.  Shall I call them blessings?  Yes, I shall.

Today, I have the whole house to myself.  E and Jim left early to work out, then to meet up with my brother and son to see Iron Maiden in concert.  I slept in until 12:30.  This is unheard of for me.  (Although when we were childless and living in O.B., this was a common occurrence!)

Today, all day, I have been reminding myself and my sense of anxiety, that I am beholden to no one but myself for my day today.  I journaled, perused the book, Healing Mandalas that is overdue at the library, I called a few people back, which is a big deal because I suck at calling people back in a timely manner.  I read e-mails and found the above link, among other inspiring things.  As you can tell, I am jumping around in my telling of my day, but that is the way it is going to be!  Rewind back to my journaling and reading time today.  I had journaled about some bitter and sad feelings I was feeling toward someone.  There are some things I am struggling to accept.  Next, I opened Tolle's, The Power of Now, and was informed about Pain-Bodies.

According to Tolle, "As long as you are unable to access the power of the Now, every emotional pain that you experience leaves behind a residue of pain that lives on in you.  ...This accumulated pain is a negative energy field that occupies your body and mind.  ...Some people live almost entirely through their pain-body, while others may experience it only in certain situations, such as intimate relationships, or situations linked with past loss or abandonment, physical or emotional hurt, and so on....The pain-body wants to survive, just like every other entity in existence, and it can only survive if it gets you to unconsciously identify with it.  It can then rise up, take you over, 'become you,' and live through you.  ...The pain-body, when it has taken you over, will create a situation in your life that reflects back its own energy frequency for it to feed on. ...Pain cannot feed on joy.  It finds it quite indigestible.  ...The pain-body, which is the dark shadow cast by the ego, is actually afraid of the light of your consciousness.  ...The moment you observe it, feel its energy field within you, and take your attention into it, the identification is broken.  A higher dimension of consciousness has come in.  I call it presence.  You are now the witness or the watcher of the pain-body.  This means that it cannot use you anymore by pretending to be you, and it can no longer replenish itself through you.  You have found your innermost strength."

Wow.  As I said, when you no longer believe in "coincidences", life becomes more and more amazing.  I am so happy to be waking up to a new way of viewing life!  Now, when I "sleep" to my new spirituality, I actually notice that I am thinking the old way.  Prayer and meditation.  Prayer and meditation.  Mantras like, "Forgiveness", "Abundance", "Acceptance", and just learning to embrace silence is changing me inside and out.

Thanks for listening.

Then, When and Now

Recently I was turned onto Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.  (http://www.eckharttolle.com/home/)
 I am on a Spiritual Quest after being asleep for oh so long.  How amazing it is to realize that I have spent so much of my life in my brain, thinking about the past or the future, quite ignoring what is going on right now.  Right Now.  So I am in the process of retraining my brain, and let me tell you, it is so easy to forget and start dwelling on what I need to do next or later or what someone said or did in the recent past. 

I dwell.  I fully admit it.  If my feelings get hurt, I replay it over and over like a tongue on the gum where a tooth used to be.  I am almost 40 years old.  Isn't it about time I stopped worrying so much about what other people think about me and my decisions and my actions and my thoughts?  How liberated I might feel!  Oh, oh, here I go again . . . thinking about what "might be" in the future.  See what I mean?

So, back to Tolle.  I recently purchased The Power of Now and A New Earth.  I started the first one, haven't even cracked the second one yet.  (Another side note, if you like to get books cheap, try Abe Books online.  It is awesome!)  According to Tolle, our brain gets in the way of our Spirit.  Ego likes to step in at every opportunity and tell us what to think and feel about everything, drowning out the Divine and intuition. 

After looking into this author a bit more, I discovered that he had written a children's book, Milton's Secret, (  http://www.eckharttolle.com/home/books/)  which I borrowed from the public library and read to Jake.  Twice.  I figured introducing him to the concept of not lettin himself get carried away by the "what if's" and "if only's" as soon as possible could only be a good thing.  The book is very enjoyable.  The pictures are beautiful.  The little boy, Milton is gorgeous. 

Milton is young, perhaps in 1st or 2nd grade.  He is bullied by a big kid who makes fun of his name and pushes him on the playground, threatening to do so again real soon.  Milton is sad and scared.  He dwells on his fear and it grows.  He can't really sleep.  He is skittery at school, looking out for the big kid.  One night as he is tossing and turning, he doesn't hear his cat getting into a fight outside, as he is too worried about what might be in store for him the next day at school.  In the morning when he goes to feed his cat, he discovers him bloody and torn.  Milton and his mom bandage the cat up and Milton takes to the couch with the cat, who starts purring.  Milton is amazed that the cat can be happy after what he has just gone through.  Milton's grandfather explains that the cat is not dwelling on the past or the future, but is content in the Now (which is simply cuddling on the couch with his boy).  Grandpa goes on to explain about Life and how it is in everything, but is ignored so often by humans who are so much in their heads about things that aren't even happening at the moment.  Through a cool dream sequence, Milton starts to feel less fear and more joy with life.  He happens to be in the school bathroom when he spots the bully looking at himself in the mirror, obviously discontent and full of pain himself.  Milton gains insight into the boy's behavior and is able to feel even braver. 

What a crazy concept, to not worry about all the possibilities that may happen, or to replay the past like a bad movie scene stuck on skip.  It takes real concentration and awareness.  It takes bravery, as our ego and intellect feel the need to glom onto these thoughts as a way to create a barrier against more pain.  Unfortunately, we miss out on the joy of what is going on this second.  This amazing second that is here and gone with each breath.  When my son is telling me about something in his day and I am thinking about dinner, I miss out on that moment with my boy who is growing up so quickly.  That moment is gone.  To take a deep breath and let the impatience disappear and really enjoy the story and this amazing creature who is sharing his life with me is truly a gift. 

I am grateful to have been introduced to this way of sacred thinking and being.  I am learning to meditate and calm down more often.  The concept of a Higher Power is making me smile again.  I am pleased.  Thanks for listening.