Lent Days 34-35: Feeling Supported

"I'm so glad you moved in here." Sally told me this morning.  Wow. Those words filled me with happiness and gratitude.  My doubtful self had been wondering if she might want to get someone else in here, someone who could pay more rent.  "We're a great fit." she continued.  "The only thing better was if you had a penis and moved upstairs with me."  I told her I'd work on that. What a great way to start my day as I walked out the door to work, with a chuckle and a smile.

I've been told that I have an amazing support community.  It's true.  If you're reading this post, you're very likely a part of that group for me.  Family, friends, work peeps, church peeps, I am blessed with a whole bunch of people whom I love and love me back.  (There are a few people out there that I love and who are currently NOT loving me back, but that's ok.  Love and Light to them.)

I think part of the blessing of my community is that I genuinely want the people in my life (and everyone, for that matter) to live life to their fullest.  Happiness and bliss and smiles.  I know these aren't "practical" or "doable" all of the time, but it's my focus for myself and others.  And do you know what?  It comes right back at me.  People share their love and sympathy when I'm hurting and are happy for me when I am doing well.  I know that some decide early on in their lives that life isn't worth it, that they're just marking time until "their time" arrives.  Well, what's the point of that? Suffering isn't a gift from or to God.  Joy is.  

I have been getting ready for the upcoming flight to Japan (FRIDAY!!!), being a co-parent during a difficult time and getting distracted (Game of Thrones) so I haven't blogged as much as I was.  I don't know how often I'll be able to connect while overseas either, but I look forward to checking in as often as I can/want.

Today is day 35 of my Lent experience/experiment.  I'm glad I'll be "off the wagon" in time to enjoy some sake in Japan.  I'm also hoping to go with E to a Karaoke bar.  (I'm not saying I couldn't sing karaoke sober in a foreign country, but there's nothing like a little liquid courage.)  One of my funniest memories of the last time we visited (1995) was when we went to a place called the "One Shot" bar.  We didn't know what to order, so we get two shots of Wild Turkey.  (Why we ordered American Whiskey in Japan, I don't know.)  The bill came out to $24 for the shots.  We couldn't really believe it.  And we did, indeed, have only "one shot" while there.  

I have been grateful for the sobriety and the time to focus on my relationship to myself during this time.  My head's been in a pretty good space overall and I've had some interesting insights into beliefs about myself and my relationship to "altered states" and being around other people.  I really needed this time.  Thanks again for the suggestion, Rev.  

Here's some gems from this week's "Simple Abundance" calendar:

The Universe is not stingy.  We are.  Some of us have very stingy souls.  Perhaps not in how we treat others, but in how we treat ourselves.  Yet how can Spirit give more if our fists, hearts, and minds are clenched tight?

Today declare to the Universe that you are open to receiving all the abundance it's waiting patiently to bestow.  Each day offers us the opportunity to learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart.

The time has come for us to realize that until we work on increasing our self-esteem by loving ourselves in small ways, we can't begin changing ourselves for the better in big ways.

Whatever you are waiting for--peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of Simple Abundance--it will surely come, but only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.  

It's been about a week since I have felt a release from anxiety.  It's a sensation that likes to live in my belly.  I know that I don't breathe as deeply when it is in residence.  I have to constantly confront the belief that if I don't focus on the "what if's", then I might very well be caught unprepared.  Well, I know better.  I really do.  Worrying on things that haven't happened can be like  prayer, says Rev,  a prayer that manifests in the "truth" of seeing life as hard, unfulfilling, surrounded by scarcity. Change my thinking, change my life, right?  So, with you as my witness, I will declare to the Universe that I am open to receiving all of the abundance that it is patiently waiting to bestow.  I know that any and all good coming to me is my birthright and does NOT take away from the birthright of others.

Thanks again to all of you who have posted, texted, e-mailed, called, messaged or supported me in person.  I am not alone and neither are you.  Underneath the layers of anxiety, fear, sadness and doubt is that Silent Watcher I keep mentioning.  Whether I forget about its presence or am able to breathe fully into acknowledging that it is there and it is constant, it is there and it is constant.

I'm going to end this post with a link to one of my favorite songs.  It's "Breathe" by Telepopmusik.  (If you like the song, I would highly suggest you create a Pandora station for this band.  There's some great techno-lounge music out there.)

Just Breathe

Just Believe

Another Day

Just Believe 

I'm used to it by now

Just Breathe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpY1tXHsdgw

Thanks for listening.  

Love to you all.

Lent: Days 31-33: Emotions

It's been a few days since I've posted.  Lying in bed on Friday night, I felt shell-shocked from emotions.  It's not easy being human, being a parent, being a person who is "overly" sensitive.

As transparent as I've strived to be with my blog, I do have my dignity and a sense of privacy.  When there are situations that are personal and I can't write about them without bringing a bunch of other people into the words, I either avoid the issue altogether or wait a bit to see how it will all settle before attempting to share.

Things are settling, but the dust is still swirling and some of the pieces have not yet landed.  One day at a time, right?  Five days to go until we board a plane for Tokyo, me, the man I am separated from, and our son.  We will spend 10 days with my dad and step-mom, visiting and traveling and living a dream we've had since Jake was born, which was to take him to visit the beautiful country of Japan.  I pray that the week ahead will be nothing more than a flurry of work and packing and marking off my checklist.

Yesterday's Oprah/Deepak was about emotions.  They advised that nothing is more intimate than our emotions.  The current of our feelings have a major influence on every choice we make and that it is vital that we heal and train our emotions to be reliable and trusted allies in order to support our success.  I am aware of my emotions, but I am not my emotions.  How does one train emotions?  Perhaps recognizing them as they come and go, but not becoming attached to them and letting them change as they need to?  If anyone has suggestions, let me know.  I have heard from quite a few people that their comments still aren't posting.  If this happens to you, feel free to send the comments to my e-mail which is listed to the right on the blog site.  Let me know if you'd like me to post for you.  I am sorry for the complications, but I always am hungry for feedback.

Emotions as reliable and trusted allies?  These are new thoughts for me.  Emotions have run my life for a long time . . . 43 years or so.  I don't want to become an unfeeling person.  I have always felt that my empathic personality has been one of my strongest traits.  The trick is to have healthy boundaries, however, and not let the weight of the world suck me into the abyss.  Or, when I find myself at the bottom of the black hole, to have faith that there are steps up and out, where I can breathe the fresh air of gratitude again.

Below my emotions and moment-by-moment activities is a Silent Watcher.  It is my Self.  We all have It, I believe.  It's the connection I have with all of life.  This awareness is the foundation on which my spirituality is based.  I forget about it for most of the day, and then I remember, and then I forget.  I know I've said this before, but since I forget so often, it's good to remind myself with the printed word.

I do not know how everything is going to turn out . . . not with our son, with my separated relationship, with my other family members, with my friends, with the rest of my life, however long I am  here in this body.  But the Self remains constant.  Being aware enables me to see past the possessions and the emotions and even the experiences, which so quickly turn into emotion-based memories.  In the meantime, however, I know that I am here for a reason.  Rev Guy says that we are here because Spirit was in need of a human experience to express Itself.  Well, that's an honor now, isn't it?

In the past few days, I have stood up for myself and my son, prayed for Spirit to show me if my Ego's voice was too loud (and got an answer within the hour), hugged, cried, told people how I felt, and faced the human emotions of shame and "not good enough".  Peace comes, peace goes.  Intentions are set, sometimes there is follow-through, and sometimes procrastination wins out.  Perhaps I should look at procrastination as a form of cowardice and practice being brave a little bit more.

For those of you who pray, I am asking for some prayer tonight.  Peace and joy and a sense of security; faith that "it'll all be ok" and bravery in my endeavors.   I'll send some love and light your way too.  Ready? Go.

Feel better?  I do.

Thanks for listening and participating with me along this journey.

Lent Day 30: Divestment

Divest:
 to dispossess of property, to strip away, rid, free 

(paraphrased from the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary)

From today's "Simple Abundance" calendar:

Once you search within for your own special gifts of Spirit, your material desires diminish.  

Your soul divests for you rather than your conscious mind.  

I had to look up "divest", although once I read the meaning, my mind thought of various sentences I've read in books, usually when someone gets something taken away from them, stripped.  This word used in a meditational thought seems more gentle, supporting the way to Wholeness.

I've been reading (and listening) to various books on the Tao Te Ching.  One of them is The Tao of an Uncluttered Life by Karen Hicks.  In the intro she speaks of the different seasons of our lives, how when we're young, very often we're all about the acquisitions.  As we move into our middle and older years, we tend to be drawn to getting rid of the stuff we worked so hard to accumulate.  

Moving out of the house which held all of my possessions has been an interesting experience.  I have been discovering which things mean the most to me.  (Please note I am talking about "things", not people or the animals. Leaving them behind has cracked my heart.)  When I was getting ready to move out, I obsessed over my books, taking them down to the garage, sorting and labeling boxes (Fiction, Non-Fiction, Children's), with *'s marking the boxes with the most dear to me.  Part of me wondered about this focused energy with the books, the majority of which are self-improvement.  I guess that answers my question.  They represent(ed) my quest for peace, wholeness and wisdom. The books I've owned since childhood invoked strong emotions in me.  I deliberately did my best to get rid of the ones which brought up pain and sadness.  (A beautifully illustrated copy of Alice in Wonderland was one of the books which I let go.  There is not one happy character in this book and the pictures had haunted me since I received it as a gift when I was about 8.)  There are still some books left behind at the house.  I'll bring them over eventually.  I guess I'm still claiming my spot there with them.  (Also, I have run out of bookcase space here.  If anyone local has a two-shelf bookcase they don't need, let me know.)

I have my eye on some of the art that still hangs there.  I am very much into the paintings that were done by people I know or local artists.  I wonder what I'll do about the boxes in the garage that hold high school memories like the one full of prom dresses or the ones with cards and ribbons.  Do I really want to store things that I'll look at once a decade?  Maybe the resident racoon has gotten into them and will save me the struggle of decision.

I like things to mean something, not just be pretty.  I know that meaning is something I assign to it.  I long ago learned that giving up something gifted to me doesn't mean I am rejecting the person who gave it.  E used to tease me because when Jake was a baby and we'd be visiting with friends or family, if they had gotten him an outfit, I'd be sure to dress him in it to show that I was appreciative. It means something when someone gives something to me.  They thought of me and put forth energy and effort.  Things evoke emotions.  Pictures even more so.  What do people do with family pictures after the family has broken up?  We're not so angry that we tore them up or burned them.  Will Jake want them when he grows up?  He's not very sentimental.  Quite a few of them are in a box in the band room.  I guess the decisions will come to us in time.

I look across the room to the table that has been cluttered since the December holidays.  Why haven't I taken care of this mess?  I brought a file box and folders home . . . and there they sit, the papers who want to be organized inside are scattered around.  What am I avoiding?  I do know myself well enough to know that if I have company over on Saturday, which was a discussion among myself and some friends last night, I'll clean that area up in a hurry.  But why don't I just do it for myself?

3/4 of my room looks great.  I make my bed daily, don't leave clothes lying around and am fantasizing about putting my books in alpha order.  It's that last 1/4 that is drawing too much of my energy away from flow.  I don't need a lot more in this room.  I had turned down E's offer of a tv and dvd player as I appreciated not having the distraction or "stuff".  If I wanted to watch a movie up here I could do it on my laptop.  But I've reconsidered as having a space in here for Jake to veg out seems like a good way to entice him over more often.  This is where I live now and if some more "stuff" paves a smoother way between me and my son, I will happily have a little more. 

Thanks for listening.  

Lent Day 29: Well, Einstein Said It . . .

What a great quote!  This morning when I opened the "Transform Your Life" app while still in my cozy bed, this is what I got.  Makes sense, right!?!  I believe in this wisdom wholeheartedly.  It's why I'm on this quest to "raise my vibration", to "change my thinking and change my life" and all the other themes I've been ranting on and on about.

So how does one go about changing their level of consciousness?  I guess first of all, we can accept that there are some things we can control and some things we can't.  The main thing we can change is ourselves and the way to start this is to be open to new knowledge!  Movies, books, music, conversation, "random" posters and events; the "answers" will start flowing our way if we just let them.

When folks respond to my ramblings and let me know about the synchronicity of their experiences with mine, I get a little tingle.  Our roads have converged, even for just a few steps.

Today at work the Library was closed again due to the testing schedule.  Once again I decided to plug into my laptop in the dark back room and listen to today's Oprah/Deepak meditation.  As the talking ended and the music for meditating started, I wondered how many more minutes lunch was.  I didn't have the schedule in front of me but I accepted that it would all work out.  As the meditation ended and I stood to leave the room, the bell ending lunch rang.  I smiled.  Of course!  I didn't worry about it, the nagging inner voice, which often signifies that I need to look further into an issue had accepted that the timing would be perfect and it was.

Here are some tidbits gleaned from today's meditation entitled: Success Frees Your Creativity

My creative Source brings me deep to the source of my thoughts, feelings and desires.  It is in this space that I create my present experience moment by moment.  Reconnecting to my inner self is the key to manifesting lifelong success.  I approach each moment with fresh eyes and an open heart, no longer defined by past pain or fears for the future.  The creative power behind all success is the primal creativity of Nature itself moving through me.  It is the power of my being to recreate the unique expression of life that is me at this present moment.  Being in touch with myself is the single biggest secret of success.

I am working with a friend who is coaching to develop and create work for myself over the summer; something that can carry on through the years.  I believe in my gifts of service to others in the form of organization.  As I was speaking about my ideas to an acquaintance this morning, he asked me if I had a business card, stating that I had "sold him" on my abilities to create personal systems for others. Cool!  Maybe I should get some of those cards made.  Why not?  (We had a bit of a laugh as I shared the messy table in my room that I've been avoiding.  Organize other . . . sure!  Organize myself . . . well, there often seems to be something else to do.  Ha ha.)

A few summers ago one of my Aunt's called me an "enabler" as I was helping her to pack up her house.  I took great offense to this and mustered my courage up enough to ask her about it.  I was so glad that I did as she explained that what she meant was that I was great at motivating her to get through tasks she had been dreading.  Ok.  I can live with that.  Finding out my true gifts and being open to the possibilities of using these gifts to make money sounds good to me.

Thanks for listening!

Lent Days 27 and 28: Just a Little Bit of Meditation Goes a Long Way . . .

This morning I awoke to then the news that our bank account was overdrawn.  This never feels good.  I'm glad I didn't know about it before going to sleep, but my dreams were a bit rocky so perhaps I knew it instinctively.

I carried around that feeling of unease all morning.

I had my alarm set to wake up early enough to listen to day 2 of the Oprah/Deepak meditation and even took my bath last night to shave off more time.  I didn't move very fast, though, and stayed in bed longer than I should have.  (It was just so warm and cozy!)  My backup meditation app wouldn't open quickly enough for my liking so I just set a 9 minute timer on my phone and did my best to bliss out in the quiet mind without falling asleep.

I rarely take a lunch break at work, but since the library was closed due to testing, I took my laptop to the quiet back room and logged on to today's meditational link.

The message was pretty simple: "Success Increases Love".  "I am here to bring more love into the world."  The Sanskrit mantra was "Aham Prema" which means, "I Am Love".

Deepak said that success is the ability to love and be loved.  I need to love myself on the road to success.  I invite love to flow through my heart.

"Find the seed of bliss within and follow it."  We were asked to focus on our passion.  My passion is service to others.  I know I fall short of this from time to time.  I have owed my mom some help at her place for WAY too long.  (Sorry, Mom!!!)  I fluctuate between wanting to help others and wanting to get the hell away from them. (Not directed at you, Mom.)  :)

Silence and solitude is bliss, but so is connection.

Yesterday's message was "Success is a Living Reality."  We were advised to view success not as an outer goal but to learn to experience it as an inner state of being that can be lived right now.  What is important to me?  Knowing this through self-awareness points my life in the right direction.
Again and again.

Today Deepak said to think about a person or memory in which we were filled with happiness.  I thought about a time last summer when Jake surprised me by taking me on a "gondola" ride around the patio area at church, whistling a song and using a pole to guide us.  He was fun and gentle and loving.  I think I was grinning like a dog who gets to stick her head out the car window.  Deepak said that these feelings/memories are our possessions and we can access them whenever we want to.

After the message follows about 15 minutes of quiet meditational music.  I breathe in and out, repeating the mantra and being nice but strict with my brain when it wants to jump to the "to do" list or other random thoughts.  I am happy to announce that once the meditation was over, the anxiety in my stomach was gone.  I'm glad I made the decision to "take a lunch" today.

Thanks for listening.