Friday, January 1, 2016

NY EVE 2015

Hey there.

I've been writing in my head for a few days now.
Let's see how it comes out on the screen.

I started this post in the evening on 12/31/2015 when, for the first time in my entire life,
I found myself voluntarily celebrating the incoming new year solo.

Later, with only 46 minutes to go until midnight,   .
I continued learning how to be alone with myself.  

Having been in relationships for over half of of my life, this is a whole new experience.

It's almost amusing how my brain and emotions ping-pong all over the place.
Sometimes it's a little frightening.
Without the distraction of others, I have only myself to listen and respond to.

About 18 months ago, my therapist suggested I live with aloneness for awhile.
Feel the fear
Hear the loud, internal voices.
Accept feeling grumpy or pissy with no one to blame.
Make mistakes, listen to me chastise myself, have mercy and move on.
Let joy come and stay for longer each time.
Just be myself and take care of business.

Today I claimed an "AT HOME" day because even though I had over two weeks off, I managed to drive somewhere every single day.

Not today.

My adventure in solitude started last night about 8 pm, when I found myself on my own with no social commitments, no phone calls to return; my own time on my hands.

I ate and puttered and lived in my head a bunch.  Loudly.

I made a drink of Honey Jack and fresh lime juice (yum) and watched the first two episodes of Game of Thrones Season 2 after I found the DVD in my laptop. Oops.

(I had returned the case to the Library a few days ago, so) I figured I might as well binge watch the two episodes on the disk and turn it in soon. Thrones isn't the best series I've watched, but it's stimulating and entertaining, if not uncomfortable at times.  It contains some beautiful people and since I only read book one, I'm not tied to how they do the show from this point on.

I met up with a friend at a local site and sang a Karoke song from my heart to strangers watching sports on tv.  I safely and responsibly drove myself home.

As a teen I often babysat on New Year's Eve.  These experiences were my first introduction to people celebrating this evening as something special.  My family didn't treat it as anything different. (The Rose Parade was what really counted in my childhood household., which reminds me that after I post this I need to checkout the link to see the FHS Marching Band as they perform in London tomorrow!)

My evening took an unexpected turn when CJ the dog hurled her dinner onto the wool carpet in the living room, right after eating.

She's a big dog and it was a big mess.

When she had the audacity to get territorial over the large mound of yuck and showed signs of
re-intaking the whole thing, I sent her outside while I grabbed cleaning supplies.

I got a little side-tracked as I looked for baking soda.  
I knew if I kept looking a box just might appear.
After revamping two cabinets, and writing "BUY BAKING SODA"  on the postie/grocery list, I found 1/4 box behind the spices in cabinet number 3.
I poured some over the damp carpet, and let will vacuum it up tomorrow.
Finger's crossed the carpet will look alright when it's all cleaned up.

In other news, I have been playing a little game in my head.  Whenever I get grumpy and want "someone else" to deal with what I don't want to, I ask myself what a fantasy counterpart would do in that particular situation for me to "make it all better".

This line of thinking has had some positive results, I must admit.
When in doubt of what to do next, I ask my inner girl what she would like done for her, then I often go ahead and do it for myself.

The big-ass tv that was just gifted to me and was sliding around the back seat of my car needed to come into the garage so I used an old dog bed and some calm maneuvering and got it in, setting it in a good and safe space.  I plan on sweet-talking some boys into bringing it upstairs and setting it up for me soon.

Next I cleaned out my car.  I had been feeling some  anxiety over its state of dirty-yucky..

I gained extra points with myself when I got the blockage out of the shop vac hose with a broken windshield wiper.

I persistently and calmly worked through the blockage, and solved the problem,

I walked away from the car cleaning project from time to time, but ended up touching every single item in the car before deciding what to return inside. I find I am better able to process and let go with gratitude since hearing the theories on decluttering from The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo.

The car feels complete and I am grateful.

I experienced pleasure from this experience and allowed myself to feel appreciative and reward myself with no guilt or unease.

I even took a baby nap.

Today also marks the 25th anniversary of what would have been Erik and my's marriage, were we still together.  He is out with his girl tonight and I am blogging and puttering, sipping alternatively on water, coffee and may make myself another honey jack and lime.  I ate and watched Hitchcock's "To Catch a Thief" and folded/put away laundry.  I watched all of its special features.

I am also living inside my head, and then focusing my thoughts outside of it.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.

It's been on my mind to post a little shout-out to my ex.

Eggy.  Thank you for the past 27 years together, 25 as a wedded couple.  I know that this evening is not what we would have said that we wanted if asked a few years ago, but I am feeling peaceful and grateful and hope that you are too.

I will never regret the years of gatherings and friends, meals and adventures, and here's to many more in both of our lives.

Thank you for introducing me to a whole lot of music that I probably wouldn't have heard otherwise.

Thank you for being a caring and compassionate person.
Thank you for being a lovingly kickass dad to our boy.
I appreciate you.
I wish you all the best.

It's good to be back in the writing saddle.
I hope to stay here awhile this time.

Thanks for listening and Happy New Year!