That Rush You Get . . . Part 2

As if the excitement of buying all those books from the Scholastic Book Fair wasn't enough, a few days later I found myself at the local Barnes and Noble with a gift card worth over $700 in my hot little hand.

It started off innocently enough.  I was at the store to sign some paperwork confirming that our school would be  holding an event with Barnes and Noble in December.  The gift card was a result of all the hard work last years' librarian put in at her event. 

I had a short list of titles to purchase while I was there, some more copies of Twilight and Breaking Dawn, some manga, the second book of Skeleton Creek, and a Goosebumps book that had been requested.  Then the Barnes and Noble rep gave me a tour of the area where we would be setting up our event.  She showed me a copy of a local author I might be interested in having come to my school.  I grabbed a copy of his book, (autographed with a cool octopus picture on the title page) and was ready to find the other titles.  Then the rep had the brilliant idea of getting me a cart.

Oh Dear.  Barnes and Noble doesn't provide carts to the everyday shopper.  They don't even have little baskets, that I have noticed, anyway.  So she comes out from her office with this funky little dolly-type thing that is made for holding books.  Lots of books. 

Whooee.  With a book cart and a gift card for over $700, you can only imagine how much fun I had!  I got all the books on my list and about 30 more.  Seriously.  I spent over half of the card.  Yup.  That's right.  Only a little over half.  That means I get to come back.  Good.  I already have a list started.

That Rush You Get From Spending Money That's Not Yours

I just finished with my Jr. High's first Book Fair of the year.

About 3 weeks ago, I called to update the Scholastic Company with the information that I was the new Library Tech at this school and was informed that a Book Fair had been scheduled and was coming up right quick.

After the shock wore off and the panic subsided, I went for it.

A lot of work goes into hosting a Book Fair.  The library has to be closed to regular book check-out (and this wasn't much of a problem because I had been down in the textbok dungeon for the past few weeks and the library hadn't even opened yet, so what was another week?!?)  Next, all the furniture needs to be relocated to create a big, open area for all the book displays.  Then there's the matter of notifying the staff and students of the upcoming event, sending home book flyers and making announcements.

The awesome Tech that was here last year had scheduled the event to coincide with the Back to School night.  Very clever.  Parents, afterall, are the ones with the money. 

I opened the doors during lunchtime and had the door staffed with someone who could regulate the number of students in at a time.  The kids would be asked to leave their backpacks at the door and put their money in their pockets.  I sold a whole lotta erasers, pointy fingers on sticks, pencils and bookmarks.  A few actually bought books, but I gotta say, the majority of the sales are from just plain stuff.

Today I tallied up my sales and had about $900 book credit awaiting me.  Wow.  That stack of ever growing "wanted" books?  Mine for the taking.  When a parent complained that her daughter had already read the books in this library, I gleefully pointed out the stack of new books awaiting barcodes and date-due slips.

Seriously?  I racked up about $700 in sales in about 5 minutes.  I smile just thinking about it.

Now you might think that I am feeding my inner, possession-oriented child.  Perhaps.  But the fact of the matter is, this school, this district, this STATE has no money that they are willing to spend on my little library.  It's up to me.  So if I have to give up hours of my own free time to get books into eager middle-school-aged hands, so be it.  Books are my passion and it's contagious.

Now I just have to wait until the $100 I spent on my own card shows up on our bank statement.  Some of the items are for Christmas presents.  I promise!!!

Tit for Tat

Tit for Tat.  A ridiculous phrase used to describe when "someone pays back one wrong or injury with another", according to Dictionary.com.  And it really chaps my hide. 

First of all, it's unfair to speak your mind, share your emotions, trust your soul with someone who cares about you and instead of responding to your needs, they get defensive about it, override your emotions, and throw something back at you.

Second of all, it's horrible communication, especially in a meaningful relationship.

As you can probably tell, I'm pretty steamed.  I started to write in my journal, but I got impatient with handwriting.  I can type much quicker and the delete button is very handy.  I needed to vent and as long as I play my cards right, my blog is a safe place to do it.  No, I won't name any names.  I am not "bagging" on anyone.  I feel unheard and my feelings are hurt and I need to share it aloud.  On paper.  On the screen.  Whatever.

I fully understand becoming defensive when someone doesn't like something I did or said.  It's like an instant response.  Sure.  But I think that part of becoming a responsible adult is learning how to take a deep breath before throwing something back at someone just because you're uncomfortable with what you are hearing.  Anyone out there agree with me?

I also believe that with maturity comes the acknowledgement that oftentimes one should calm down before bringing up a touchy subject.  I am getting pretty good at this.  The last time I had an issue with someone, I kinda sat on it for a few days, playing it around in my brain.  I wasn't dwelling (too much), simply formulating my stance and rebuttal before confronting them.  It worked.  I was able to approach the person calmly and lay it all out in a not-so-personal manner.  They were uncomfortable for a few minutes, but we were able to resolve the matter.  Pretty much.  It takes time to create new habits, after all.

Ok.  So let's get back to that phrase, "Tit for Tat."  What did it mean originally?  Without doing extensive research, I turned up: Origin of TIT FOR TAT (first known use: 1556) is an alteration of an earlier version of the phrase, "tip for tap", meaning a blow for a tap. (Merriam Webster online)  So, you tap someone and they punch you?  That's what it originally meant?  I nod my head.  That's how my overactive, emotional state feels right about now.  Angry.  Justified.  Unfairly treated.  Butt hurt.  (Hey.  I thought getting all this out of my system was supposed to calm me down!)  Hmmm.  It might be a long night . . .

Semantics

  "Don't take classes on not being an enabler", she told me.  "You're too good at it." 

I was cooking for the woman as she said this.  My heart started beating a whole lot harder. 

Seriously? 

Had she just said this to me?!? 

I took a few deep breaths and thought about how to approach this situation.  I didn't want to be rude, but I sure as heck wasn't going to let this one slide.  I had not come over to her house to "support her craziness"!  Yes, I am a good helper, but no, I didn't want to feel taken advantage of or to be silent and walk away pissed. 

I stopped cooking. 

It's not good to cook when you're angry. 

After a few more breaths and a little courage gathering for the one who hates conflict, I said, "I took personally what you just said to me."  "What did I say?" she wanted to know.  "That I am an enabler. I'm helping you because I want to."

She quickly explained what she meant was that my presence was motivating her to take care of some very uncomfortable tasks; things she had put off doing for a very long time.  Her meaning came from St. Paul as he spoke to the Corinthians in the Bible.  He tells them to enable each other.  To bring out the best in each other. 

I have taken a six-month cognitive therapy course to teach me how to set boundaries and embrace my emotions as valid.  To me, "enabling" means to support someones unhealthy habits.  A codependent who sweeps up the mess after the drunk spouse breaks something is an enabler.  The parent who doesn't let their children face the consequences of their own actions is an enabler. 

Her housemate sauntered into the kitchen.  We drew him into the discussion.  She asked him what his definition of an enabler was.  His matched mine.

She got frustrated and blamed the people who have "ruined" the term.

OK. 

Alright. 

Point taken. 

My heart slowed down to normal.  My self-righteous anger abated.  My Cinderella complex sat back down in the corner to sew up someone else's ripped clothing for awhile.  I finished cooking.  It was delicious.

NUTS

I first saw "Nuts", starring Barbra Streisand and Richard Dreyfuss in the theater.  It was 1987.  I was a junior in high school.  I went with my friend from school, "S", and she didn't really want to see it.  I talked her into it, and I think she hated it.  She watched with her arms crossed and she didn't want to talk about the movie afterwards.  Perhaps it was because we were "good, Christian girls" and we had just seen a movie about a high-end prostitute who was going through a competency trial to see if she were sane enough to stand trial for killing one of her clients.  Fair enough.  The movie made "S" uncomfortable.  Sorry about that, sister, but the movie changed me.  It changed my perception of what a good movie could be.  And I definitely never thought about Barbra Streisand the same way again.

I watched the movie last week.  I just finished watching it again, with Barbra's commentary overdubbed.  First of all, I love courtroom movies.  I can watch "A Few Good Men" a few times a year.  Something about the procedure and the law and the games that are played to make those laws fit each players' agendas just fascinates me. 

I didn't know Barbra had co-produced the movie.  In fact, her name wasn't in the credits for doing so, but I found out in the commentary that she had.  In fact she produced Yentl too.  She does tons of research before making a movie.  She interviews people and goes places her character has gone and reads and puts herself into their shoes the best she can. She visited mental hospitals and noticed that some of the doctors were even more spun than the patients. She talks about sexual child abuse, how prevalent it is.  Back in the 80's, the numbers were appallingly high.  She did the overdub just a few years ago.  She mentioned that the numbers have probably gone up since then.  They probably have.

"You don't believe your mother loves you?" asks the prosecuting lawyer. 

 "God, of course she loves me." replies Claudia.  "You stand up here and ask, 'Do you love your daughter?' and she says, 'Yes, I love my daughter', and you think you're asked something real?  And she thinks she said something real?  You think because you toss this word 'love' around like a Frisbee we're all gonna get warm and runny?  No.  Sometimes people love you so much . . . their love is like a goddamn gun that keeps firing straight into your head.  They love you so much you go right into a hospital.  Right, mama?"

"I didn't know", says her mother, referring to the fact that Claudia's stepfather had been molesting her for years.

"No, you didn't want to know."

"I'm a little confused.  Do you love your mother?" asks the lawyer.

"Of course I love her.  So what."

This movie is about how honesty can make people squirm.  People like to believe what makes them feel comfortable with the world around them.  We like to put people in boxes.  To really get under their skin and make them tick takes a lot of time and effort and most of us are too busy dealing with our own feelings and thoughts to dwell on what someone has gone through and why they react to life's situations like they do. 

"We're many shades of grey and we cheat ourselves with all these labels."  --Barbra Streisand

We see the person talking to themself as they walk down the street and our instinct is to walk on the other side of the street.  We blindly trust the doctors and psychiatrists and other "professionals" as being sane people who "must have" our own best interests at heart, not bothering to think that they may be filled with their own inconsistencies and fallibility. 

This link shows one of my favorite parts of the movie, when Claudia is telling the court that she won't be "nuts" for any of them.  It's a little graphic, as she talks about her profession.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ePdor7JX20&feature=related

Leslie Nielsen plays the client that attacks Claudia in her home.  They have finished their "appointment" and it is time for him to go.  He is not the only guy on her list for the evening and she tells him he needs to leave, but he starts to run a bath.  She tells him that he has to go.  He gets ugly.  She tries to escape.  He throws her into the wall, breaking the bathroom mirror, then starts choking her.  She gets ahold of a piece of the mirror and kills him in self-defense.  Nobody wants her to stand trial.  Her parents want her committed.  The psychiatric doctors declare her incompetent.  She speaks up again and again, pissing people off.  She gets assigned a new lawyer, Levinsky, (Richard Dreyfuss) after she breaks the nose of her first one.   Dreyfuss is so human and likeable in this movie.  He loses his temper with her.  He calls her a "pain in the ass" to the judge.  But he sniffs out the truth.  Her stepfather had been inappropriate with her for years and years and her mom looked the other way in order to keep her marriage. 

Don't think I ruined the movie by telling you a bunch of the plot.  If it sounds even mildly interesting to you, I suggest you watch it.  The human emotions are so real.  Truth is victorious.  It is one of the best, most compelling movies I have ever seen.  I thought so back in '87 and I still think so today.  Check it out.