Lent Day 13: Rain and a Day at Home

"He tries to think about nothing, because that's how you open the door so the right idea can come in." 

" . . . Tears wash the emotions."

Both of those quotes come from the Stephen King book I finished today called Mr. Mercedes.  I don't read as much fiction as I used to, but when I get my hands on a King novel I haven't read before, the rest of  my reading (and chore) list fall to the wayside.

                                                      

It may seem incongruous to read horror alongside "self-betterment" books, but there's just something about this guy that I can't quit.  Ever since reading the Dark Tower series, I've known that he shares a similar spiritual path.  I was/am obsessed with the story about Roland Deschain and his quest to find the Dark Tower.  For awhile I was convinced that I would name my first boy after him.
(I got over it, but just barely.)




Mr. Mercedes wasn't the best King book I've read, but it wasn't the worst.  King came through once again with a flawed but likeable main character and, as usual, good female support.  I read the last 75 pages or so in front of a wood-burning stove in my pajamas as the rain fell outside the windows.  I live in a canyon and the beautiful hills are just out of reach.  It was a divine way to start the day.

After the book was finished and the coffee was pulsing in my veins I decided to be brave and dye my hair.  A few weeks ago I got a kit in the mail from e-salon.  I had filled out the questions, picked my color and sent in my picture.  The package was the first piece of mail to be delivered to my new address.

I had put off coloring my hair, because I've never done it by myself before and I was very nervous.  It was time to get rid of the grey, however, and I was feeling brave.  The kit worked quite well, I'm happy to report.  The grey is gone and I have a reddish blonde coif that I am happy to live with for awhile.  I think I'll go darker brown next time, though.  I kinda miss that old me.

The day went pretty smoothly until I got a Kik message from Jake.  (He communicates through this app rather than texting these days.)  He asked me to please hurry.  Really?  Hurry to do what?  I hadn't planned on picking him up from school today. I was eating lunch and then was going to do a few more chores before heading to yoga.  His new routine as of a few weeks ago is to take the bus to the public library, then either E or I pick him up or he walks home.

When I spoke to him on the phone, he tried to convince me that our new routine was that I pick him up across the street from the school daily and that taking the bus is only on occasion.  Huh-uh.  No way.  I had struggled with the initial decision to let him ride the bus as it cut down on the time I get to spend with him but had decided that his being independant was a good thing so I had relented.  Now he was saying that I was misremembering?  Other way around, my friend.

I texted E, to see if he might be available to get the boy, as I wouldn't be able to get there very quickly.  When I didn't hear back, I decided to go ahead and get him.  I was putting things in the car when E texted that he could be there in about 15 minutes.  By then I was upset at the way Jake had spoken to me.  My 14-year-old doesn't have a sense of personal responsibility, nor do the words "sorry" come easily to him. To tell the truth, I'm a bit at wits end at the way he speaks to me these days.  He's rarely sweet unless he wants something from me.  He doesn't obey without talking back and can be generally unpleasant.  I've heard that we teach people how to treat us.  I'm not sure when I taught him these deplorable manners.  I've been advised to take away his things/privileges when he is rude.  This doesn't seem to work. Neither does yelling or lecturing.  He is a completely different animal than I was at his age.  I was highly motivated to please others and keep the peace.  He really couldn't care less.

As I drove to yoga, still fuming and bummed, he called me and apologized.  I know his dad put him up to it but I was still glad to hear from him.  I told him that I didn't know what to do to make our relationship better.  I asked him if he blamed me for his dad and I splitting up.  He didn't answer. I told him that it was a "yes or no" question. He asked if we needed to talk about it right then. I knew he was riding in the truck with others so I told him we could talk about it later.

I moved tomorrow's plans back a bit and am going to talk to him after I get him from school.  I guess we're back to me picking him up from school daily, which is just fine with me.  I had been loathe to give up the "check-in" time I had been getting with him and will be glad to have it back.  I'm also going to talk to E beforehand.  I am curious what has been said to Jake about the reasons we broke up.  Some of the reasons are none of the child's business and I'd like to keep it that way for all of our sake's. I want to know what I'm walking into conversationally, however.  Wish me luck with both of the conversations.

Thinking back to the quote I started this post with,the one about thinking about nothing so that the door can open, I am bummed to admit that I haven't spent much time in meditation this weekend. That's the point, right?  To stop our inner chatter so that a truer voice can be heard.  When I'm not in my morning work routine it seems easy to let go of some of the good stuff.  I need to dedicate more time to the inner voice on the days I'm not in a hurry to get out the door, not less.

As I bring this ramble to a close, I want to admit that this weekend was challenging.  I missed all three of the things I have chosen to live without for these 40 days.  It's only been 13 so far.  Sigh.

On the other hand, I don't think I shed a tear today.  I guess my emotions didn't need washing.
Thanks for listening.