Lent Day 20: The Halfway Mark

March 9

Eternity is not the hereafter.  Eternity has nothing to do with time.  This is it.  If you don't get it here, you won't get it anywhere.  The experience of eternity right here and now is the function of life.  Heaven is not the place to have the experience; here's the place to have the experience.                                                --Joseph Campbell

Assignment: Today, let yourself have some experiences of heaven here and now.

The above message was from today's "Transform Your Life" morning app.  I read it just before sitting down for a short meditation.  It was good to be reminded that the "here and now" is really all we have.  As each breath and heartbeat happens and moves on, so do we.  When our thoughts get stuck on the past or into the future, we miss the now.  Most of my day is spent planning on what is to come or what has already happened.  I forget about the now.  And then I am reminded.  And then I forget.  And on and on.  

Lots to say today and here it is 11:10 pm, feeling like it's earlier because I haven't adjusted to the time change yet. My first alarm goes off at 4:45 a.m.  Chances are, I won't be jumping out of bed.  Or maybe I will.  I'll try not to plan.  

First of all, I'd like to say that I was very stoked to receive two responses to yesterday's post.  Since they both came through as "anonymous", if you'd like to let me know who you are, send me a message on FB.  Seems like one was from out of country.  Very cool.  I am honored.  

Secondly, as I was at my "old" house today, I noticed a small dream-catcher that a friend had given me a few years ago.  I haven't spoken to this friend in awhile and I owe her an apology.  We used to run into each other pretty often in this small town but I haven't seen her in quite some time.  I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about her and what she might have to say to me.  I did her wrong and want to let her know that I am sorry.  (There's more than one person on my list of people I want to apologize to, but seeing this small token of our friendship today brought her to the forefront of my attention,)  I brought it home with me, along with my small collection of positive divination cards.  I pulled three Angel cards with her in mind.  I was talking to Sally, my roommate as I did so, and didn't want to be distracted from our conversation so I kept them face down until now. 

The cards I picked were Harmony, Music, and Freedom.  In my basket of cards I also had a small piece of paper with a beautiful calligraphic word given to me by a dear friend with many artistic gifts, including gorgeous writing.  The word on the paper is "harmony".

Here's what the Harmony angel card said:

"Conflict is resolved in a situation that was troubling you.  Know that you deserve this peace and happiness, and accept it graciously.  You are a peace-lover at heart and this card comes to you as a sign of a new harmony that dawns upon you.  Let go of viewing the situation as troubled, and see yourself and others through the eyes of your guardian angels.  In this way, you'll look past the surface and see the beauty and light that eternally shines within everyone."

Wonderful.  While I'm not in the position to seek her out at this time, I felt peaceful regarding the situation.  If/when we met face-to-face, it will be in Divine timing and, I hope, she will forgive me.

Today I kept Jake from school and took him with me for my therapy session.  I've been seeing the same therapist off and on for a number of years and he is great.  He is kind and funny and calls me on my shit.  While driving up there, I asked Jake why he thought I was taking him.  "Because I'm crazy and you think I need to talk to someone about it", was his response.  While I am supportive of him speaking to a therapist, I don't think he's crazy and I certainly know better than to have us visit the same person separately, however much I think someone like my  guy would be great for him.  I told Jake that actually I was taking him because I wanted to have a safe space for us to talk and to re-define our relationship.  I told him that I don't like the tension between us that surfaces so much of the time and that I know that when communication is down, stuff gets assumed and presumed.  

He said that the only real problem he had with his dad and me was that he hates his name and wants to change it.  I told him that I never really resonated with my name.  "So change it," was his response, of course.  "If I come across one that fits me better, I just might," was my response.  He also told me that he was pretty sure that I was bi-polar.  I certainly didn't want to hear that, but I could see where he was coming from.  He has seen more drastically emotional sides of me this past year.  I am not proud of the times I've cried in front of him or gotten seriously angry over "little" things.  I know that I am a very emotional person and that I quite often let those emotions take over.  This was another instance where my inner wisdom let me know that taking a "time-out" before responding, especially to him, is quite often a good idea.  

"And do you think I'm responsible for me and your dad breaking up?"  "Well, it was pretty obvious one day when you had me look something up on your computer and I saw that you had written that you were going to divorce dad," was his response.  Oh.  That happened?  I wonder what it was that I had written?  I had started to keep some Word documents as a type of diary at the beginning of our breakup, as I am a much quicker and neater typist than I hand-write.  So now I know the answer to the question of why he thinks I am responsible.  It was because I had stated it and he had read it.  My lack of discretion had planted the seed.  I was able to leave it at that.

The session with my therapist went well, I think.  Jake was present and responsive, polite and took part in the conversation.  We went out for a coffee afterward and hit a bit of a snag when I wanted him to complete the homework assigned to us.  "Work out some ways you can show respect to each other," was what we were to do. So I did my part, acknowledging what I had heard Jake say.  He would like me to react less emotionally, talk to him about stuff privately, not in front of his friends, and let him learn from his own mistakes.  Ok.  I'll see what I can do.  When I asked him to write down some things he could do to show me respect, however, he balked.  There was nothing for him to do differently, he said.  He used his logical arguments against me.  "If I 'act' more polite, than it's just an act."  Etc.  I was the one who was to do all the changing and our disconnect was all my fault, it seemed.  As I felt the negative emotions rising, I asked for a "time-out".  He was fine with that, busy on his tablet.  About 10 minutes later he said he was ready to go when I was.  When he saw that I was still upset, he asked me about it.  I told him that I felt sad and frustrated; that I had shown that I had listened to him and was willing to take steps toward a more healed relationship and when he didn't offer anything that he might do differently, I felt like he didn't care.  As we walked to the next store he suggested, "Maybe we shouldn't try to change each other.  We should accept each other for who we are."    Then he apologized and said, "Huggie?", meaning that he wanted a hug.  Right there in the parking lot.  I was happy to give and get one.  I breathed deeper.  I felt like I was living one of those "bits of heaven" mentioned in the morning meditational thought,  right there and then.  The rest of our day was smooth and friendly.  

Later in the evening during yoga, my ego and shadow sides were busy plotting and scheming as to what I would do when I no longer restricted myself from drinking and sex.  It was almost amusing, the amount of energy and the ideas that were flitting through my mind.  I know I have a very impetuous side and I am grateful for the cushion of time that is still allotted to me before I allow myself to take further action.  Probably some of these ideas that seemed so delicious won't seem so given a bit of time.  With the time change, I was able to go on a quick run/hike before dark.  The inner plotting continued, but I was able to temper it with a bit of prayer for wisdom and signs.  The hungry animal has gone back to her cave for now.

Guess I should stop for the night.  Or morning, as it is past midnight.  Looks like my evening sleep will be more like a longer nap.  That's ok.  It all works out.

I apologize for the funky background and print color.  I spent some time trying to fix it and decided to let it be.  

Thanks for putting up with it and Thanks for listening.