Lent Days 11/12: Faith of a Mustard Seed

I didn't post yesterday so I hope you'll forgive me for combining two days into today's ramblings.

I had Jakob for the weekend and after getting home last night from a game night with friends, I was beat.  I say "getting home", by which I mean the house I still own with E, the house where Jake lives, but it's not really my house anymore. I sleep there on occasion, but I almost feel like an interloper.  I sleep in the bed I helped pick out, under the covers I bought, but I bring my own pillow and extra blankets.  I no longer keep a toothbrush there.  I thought I had a deodorant in the bathroom but discovered this morning that I didn't.  I smelled deliciously manly today since I borrowed a swipe of Jake's.  (I didn't tell him.  Why invite THAT conversation?)

When I am there I  take a look around and decide what more of my possessions I should take back to my place.  I have been renting a gorgeous room since September or so, but have only recently claimed it as "mine".  For awhile I had toothbrushes in three bathrooms in town.  For a self-proclaimed homebody, this was stressful and very ungrounding.  I decided to empty the closet of the rest of items hanging in there and bring a few childhood items.

Quite a few people have recently shared enjoying my blog.  Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.  It's nice to feel the connection and I am really enjoying the writing of it.  Today I told someone that I was going to start sharing more of my "shadow" side and that I didn't know how folks might react to my darker thoughts, nor do I know how to share without offending folks, so I'll just keep writing, reading and re-reading my words before posting, and follow my instinct and inner wisdom.  If folks have a problem with what I'm saying, hopefully they'll tell me kindly.  I'll continue to be responsible for my own emotions and reactions, however unpleasant they might be.

Since I awoke right across the street from church and was up pretty early, I decided to go to the 8:30 a.m. service and then stay through second.  (I perform with the band for second service, so I am pretty much always there.)  I sat down in a pew and started weeping.  I was surprised, but not really. As I've mentioned, I cry a lot.  Pretty much daily.   I felt grateful and relieved to be there.  I was raised in a family that was churchgoing and when I decided to not attend, back in college and for most of my 30's, because I didn't believe in enough of the traditional Christian doctrine to continue, I eventually really missed the sense of community one gets when gathering regularly with similarly minded people.  For about two years before walking for the first time through the doors of the spiritual center across the street, I claimed it through ritual and positive affirmation pretty much every morning after getting in my car for work.  I had looked into Wiccan and Buddhism for awhile, but neither felt quite right.  After my first experience with "Science of Mind", I knew I had found my spiritual niche.  I belong there.  I am loved and accepted there.  Sundays ground me for the rest of my week.

Today's message included the familiar "faith of a mustard seed" story from the Bible.  In Matthew 17:20, Jesus says, "... If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you." (NIV)  This was a message I had wondered about since youth.  In fact, I think I tried it a few times, really believing as I stared at the San Bernardino Mountains of my childhood, but they didn't didn't budge. I figured there was a piece of this mystery that I was missing, or that I didn't really believe, even though I didn't know how to believe more.  I FELT like I believed!  What was I doing wrong?  Turns out, Rev felt the same way.  For him, faith was for the "lucky" ones and the rest of the folks just had to keep trying.  He added it to the long list of ways he was shamefully inadequate in the eyes of God. (Putting words in your mouth, Rev., but I think I got the gist.)

I am not (yet) a gardener.  I don't know too much about plants.  Apparently, however, mustard plants are very invasive, so when one looks at Jesus' words, one could interpret faith as being invasive.  In a good way.  When we allow ourselves to be open to having faith, the ideas take root and slowly take over.  Just like plants growing, too slow for us to observe in "normal" time, those positive thoughts, when allowed to make an impression, multiply and slowly take over our minds and souls.  Yup. Good stuff.  Just what I wanted to hear.  I take a deep breath and know I'm on the right track.

As a fun side-note, the song on my shuffle playing right now is called "Water Your Garden" by Luscious Jackson.  For a few years now, I no longer believe in coincidences.  It's a lot more fun to see the seen and the unseen worlds converge and become one for little moments in time. This was yet another of them.
Here's a link to the lyrics:
http://www.justsomelyrics.com/1968889/lucious-jackson-water-your-garden-lyrics.html

So, at the beginning of this posting I said that I was going to share more of the parts of me that I don't usually make privy, for fear of judgement, not looking good, or having people think less of me. During my freshman year of high school, I realized that I was fickle.  (I didn't know the word back then, but I have since looked it up and it fits.  I would walk into a classroom with a crush on a certain guy, walk out 50 minutes later with a crush on another.  If you look through my yearbook from that year you'll see little hearts on the photos of all the guys who were caught in my radar.  There's an embarrassingly high number of hearts.  Even when I was in a decades long relationship, I was quite often mentally scouting those around me.  (Sorry, E.)  I have put in a lot of time wondering about myself, about why I am this way.  Is it normal to "always be on the lookout"?  Or have I been on a subconscious, and sometimes conscious, quest for a partner?  Or is it deeper than that?  Unfulfilled issues from childhood?  "Daddy" issues?  Anyway, I've been "single" for less than two weeks and this morning I found myself putting extra attention into my makeup and outfit, with my eye on someone who's been on my radar for awhile.  I wondered if he would come and talk to me.  Geez.  What happened to my resolve to look for self-fulfillment?  I had decided to "take myself off the market", right?! I started wondering what he smelled like, what he does for a living, what the rest of his wardrobe looks like, etc.  Turns out he's with someone else.  Phew.  That strengthened my resolve. Take my time.  Complete unfinished business.  Stand on my own two feet.  Spend more time with my friends.

Well, this post is long.  I guess this is what happens when I skip a day.  If you made it all the way to the end of this one, thanks for hanging in there.  We'll see how long this "resolve" lasts.
Thanks for listening.