Lent Day 15/16: The Ebb and Flow of Emotions

It seems like forever since I posted last, although it's only been a few days.  By the time I got home last night and had a chat with roomie #2, I was exhausted post band-practice and a full day of work.

Recently in my ramblings I shared wanting to have a heart-to-heart with my son regarding his feelings and beliefs toward me, hoping that some insight might pave the way for a smoother relationship.  I know that he's "at that age" (14) where I am to "expect" feeling like he's an alien and we get on each other's last nerves, but that doesn't mean that I can't try.  Well, that talk hasn't happened yet.  

On Tuesday when he got into the car, we were arguing and bickering within the first five minutes over a plan that he wanted to change.  It got bumpier from there.  Twice in that same afternoon I felt frustrated that after making movements toward fulfilling his requests to do certain things and getting other adults involved, he wanted to change the plans.  I reacted emotionally as I feel very uncomfortable with "putting others out" when they are doing me a favor.  I also see a pattern of Jake changing his mind after the ball is already rolling.  One answer is to stop doing things for him.  Another answer may be to change the way I react, or at least, allow myself some time to sit with my emotions before blowing up.  We had a battle of wills that afternoon and I dropped him off at the house with both of us feeling discontented and a bit angry.  I did notice, however, that I had a deeper level of calm underneath than I usually do. 

A few things that I have become aware of recently are that 1)  I cannot hold my son in comparison to me.  He is a very different person.  I need to allow him to be himself, without judgements.  2)  In my 

concern for others' feelings, I have probably neglected his own.  I have been on a quest to raise a person who is considerate and kind, but in my efforts to keep"others" happy and unruffled, I very may have been inconsiderate and unkind in my reactions to his own feelings and opinions.  I know that I am not responsible for anyone's emotions but my own but I can keep being loving and considerate and I don't want him to feel that I don't honor him.

I had a very lovely dinner with a friend soon after.  I shared with her some of the details of the recent frustrations with my son and she had some advice that I've been  mulling over.  She suggested that I attempt speaking to him more calmly and adult-like.  She reminded me that we all play roles and when I act like the reactive mom, it prompts him to act like the bratty teen and vise-versa.  Makes sense.  It might be harder for him to be a punk-ass if I'm not yelling and freaking out.  She also thought we might benefit from agreed upon signals, as in when we need a time-out or to somehow politely signal that the other might need one.  It's worth a try.  I'll let you know how it goes.

  

All day yesterday I was very aware of the open space in my belly area which is usually holding a level of anxiety.  It was not there for almost the full day.  I kept watching and waiting, wondering if it would come back.  It didn't really.  Today it's there a bit, but not too strong.  Perhaps this feeling of calm is due to a long money-making conversation I had with my friend and my anticipation of being a part of a new venture. Maybe all of the audio/regular books I've been ingesting for the past 10 years or so which constantly and consistently state that we are all a part of the Divine and will be taken care of if we step back and allow it are finally sinking in.  I've also been taking some homeopathic drops meant for anxiety due to grief for about two weeks now.  I'll keep taking them for awhile.

Since I am feeling a bit anxious today, if you'll allow me a bit more space to share, perhaps a couple of events have triggered me.  Talking about them might help me regain my composure and acknowledge that I don't need to feel stress about things I can't change.  Firstly, I have a luncheon today with the school Superintendent and the Rotary Club in a few hours.  I was notified yesterday that I had been chosen as Employee of the Month.  I am grateful for this honor and to those who voted for me.  Very sweet.  However, sometimes I stress out at the thought of making small talk with people I don't know very well.  Also, I think I will be asked to speak in front of the group and I need to figure out what I want to say.  The second reason is that I was nosy and opened an envelope that was mistakenly put in my mailbox here at school.  The top page was an official notification from CPS stating that one of our students is a suspected victim of neglect/abuse.  Now I am very aware that atrocities are happening in our little town all the time.  This was a jerk of reality, however, and my level of sadness and fear for him took over for awhile.  I looked up his profile to see if I knew him.  Vaguely.  (He owes a very late library book.)  I felt really "down in the dumps" for about an hour or so.  Now I'm sending him love and light, as well as the many other students on our campus who suffer at the hands of the adults in their lives.  This love and light and peace grows and spreads to the town, state, country and world.  I breathe in, I breathe out and keep on going.

Thanks for listening.