Lent Day 23: Mothers and Sons

Hello, All-

With the help of my computer whiz student, we've streamlined the Blog layout a bit.  It should be easier to see the red comment icon on the bottom.  I also changed the settings so that comments will post right away.  Hope this helps.

I had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of a day.  Work was great.  I was happy to be there and felt purposeful as I strode about campus.  Karaoke in the Library at lunch was fun.  There were enough students who wanted to sing so that I didn't need to, although I had "Papa Don't Preach" (Madonna's version) in the queue in case there was a lull in participation.  My favorite part was when one student asked if he could dance instead of singing.  Why not?  He pulled up a favorite song and danced his booty off in front of about 75 students in various degrees of studying, socializing and watching.  I had a new girl as DJ and she took to her role very well.  It was great to see her full of confidence and in her element as she pulled up the requested songs for potential singers and enthusiastically filled in on the mic.

By the end of the work day I was dragging energetically and was thinking a nap might be in my near future.  Jake had plans to ride the bus to the Library so I didn't need to give him a ride home.  As I drove towards his school on my way home, I was reflecting on the lack of feeling I had toward the situation.  I didn't feel overjoyed about not having responsibility for him today and being able to rest if I wanted, but I didn't feel anything negative about it either until I drove by three school buses with students from his school.  Knowing he was probably on one of them and maybe had seen me drive by, my heart cracked and I had myself a cry.

When I gave up my activities in honor of Lent, I made a list of the things I wanted to be cautious about, things that might take up places in my life in a negative way.  Food and sleep are biggies on my list.  I haven't been lethargic but I have been eating more.  What I didn't consider ahead of time was how when I'm busy, I have less time for feelings.  Having an afternoon free suddenly felt overwhelming.  I threw a load of wash in the machine, made a snack and headed to bed.

One of the books I'm reading is The Talisman co-written by Stephen King and Peter Straub.  It came out in the 80s, I think, and I've been off and on with it since December.  I am very sensitive to books with boys as main characters.  I am very protective of them.  This story is about a 12-year-old boy who is on a quest to save his mother.  I probably shouldn't have picked this book to read this afternoon, but I did.  His horrible experiences at the hands of sadistic adults and mean peers didn't alleviate my mood.  I lay in bed about an hour, in that zone between sleep and wake before deciding I'd had enough.

I'm in charge of my emotions.  I get that.  It's just sometimes hard to move out of sadness, even, or especially, when it's hard to pinpoint the source.  I brushed my teeth, started a load of laundry, did a bunch of straightening and listened to really loud and heavy music.  I started a shuffle on my ipod which included The Bronx, Gallows, Bad Brains, Clutch, Quicksand, Transplants, and other fun stuff.  I turned it up extra loud and just let energy take over.  I got out of my funk and started cooking, feeling better as I went.  I had a few more emotional minutes after spotting a pan in the cupboard that reminded me of a pan at my old house.  I miss cooking in "my kitchen" with "my equipment".  I made a lot of meals there and left most of it behind for now.  I tried to get in touch with Jake, who had texted me earlier for permission to walk around town, but I didn't get a chance to talk to him on the phone.  I hope to connect with him tomorrow, watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead and maybe take the dogs to the park.

With dinner we watched "Philomena".  I knew it would make me cry.  This movie  is based on a true story about an Irish woman who is trying to track down the son taken from her when he was young by the nuns at an abbey for unwed mothers and sold to adoptive parents in America.  I got the movie from the Library about three weeks ago and wasn't sure I was ready for it, but it was an excellent movie and my tears were nothing outrageous.

Throughout the day I visualized water running under the door of self-imposed limitations and other situations over which I have little control.  It's become powerful in my mind and I look forward to seeing how Spirit will move in my life.  I let go and let God with a heart of gratitude.

I will end this post with some words from a Healing Card pulled from my deck.

Wellness is our natural state. Disease is an imposter.  Memories are clever imposters, making it appear that an experience or relationship cannot be healed.                             If you believe that, how can you heal your body or protect your health?                                        Replace imposters with a higher truth.

Ok.  I can do this.  And I think I might be up for a little more boyish adventure from The Talisman. One thing I know about King's books is that even though horrible stuff happens to his main characters, things generally turn out alright in the end.

Thanks for listening.